Well, this is my first post. My OCD has been killing me lately so I thought I would go online and see if I could find some kind of forum to talk with other people who can relate to my situation and well… here I am!

I have had OCD for as long as I can remember although I was not officially diagnosed until last year. In fact, I did not suspect I had OCD until I saw a documentary on television in which one of the subjects had similar symptoms to mine. Previously, when I would hear the term OCD, I automatically pictured a perfectionist with a counting, touching or hand washing compulsion.  Little did I know the actual extent and variation of the symptoms for OCD sufferers. 

When I was a child, I remember playing games with myself.  for example, I would say "If you count three New Jersey license plates in the next couple seconds I will have a good day"  or  "if I take 7 quick breaths, Mom won't die" Did I truly believe my mother would die or I wouldn't have a lucky day if I didn't do these things? No. But I was scared of the chance that those things might happen if I didn't.

When I would lie in bed (or any time where I wasn't distracted) terrible thoughts would enter my mind.  Some in the form of images, some just anxious thoughts.  I would start feeling inadequate and insecure.  I would begin to review everything that happened to me that day and pick it apart.  "What was good?  What was bad?  Why did I do/say that? Did I sound stupid? What do they think of me now?"  I couldn't control these thoughts.  They would enter on their own, but somehow I felt the urge to really think about these things over and over.  I had to.  I can't explain it, but I'm sure someone can relate.

Horrible images would also enter my mind.  Bloody images of my family members being hurt or murdered or badly injurerd in car accidents, etc.   It would scare me.  I would think to myself "Why would I think these things if I didn't want them to happen?"  I would feel like I was evil or sinister and it was only a matter of time before I would be that way. I would have sexually violent images as well.   It made me feel sinful and like I was going to  Hell.  Which is something I also worried about at night.  I'm not very religious, but for some reason I would think about what hell would be like and how my life is going to eventually end.

My thoughts would keep me up at night.  I was afraid to close my eyes and relax because I knew the images would begin again.  Like a movie or a record being played over and over in my mind without any control over it. 

Throughout my day, when something bad would happen to me (and something bad could be as simple as not having a seat at lunch or the cute guy on the bus seeing me without makeup) I would say to myself "Oh great that that happened, now I wont be able to stop thinking about it".

I would feel IMMENSE guilt about everything I did.  Even if there was no reason to feel guilty.  In fact I would say 99.9% of the time I feel guilty I have no reason to feel that way. 

I would struggle with my sexuality. Am I gay? Am I straight? But not like normal teenagers do.  I would obsess about it constantly.  If I saw a woman's breasts in the locker room I would look away for fear of becoming gay.  And the fear didn't just end there.  I was (am) scared of everything.  If I saw a little girl or boy I would think I might become a pedophile.  If my boyfriend left to get milk I would think he would be in a terrible accident. 

Well there you have it.  If you can relate to me… or even if you can't I wouldn't mind talking to you.  I have a boyfriend of three years whom I've been living with for almost three years (he's the only one who knows about my OCD) and he is VERY supportive, but he can only do so much.  I think people with OCD understand others with OCD, which is why I am here!

4 Comments
  1. Sany27 13 years ago

    Hi Angy and welcome to the forum, you've sure come the right place and I'm sure you're glad like I was when I first found it and felt such a relief. I can relate to you in a lot of things if not all. I too am mainly obsessional and we're what they call Pure obsessive without many compulsions or at least the physical ones but we actually have some mental ones for sure. It's the way we ruminate in these thoughts and analyse them and go on and on about it. I use to ask for reassurance a lot and that's a form of compulsion. I too suffer from harm thoughts, sexual thoughts use to be a problem for me and I also get bad weird thoughts about people in general and it just scares me and makes me anxious. I've had this for the last year and a half and hope that I can get over it one day. I'm guessing you're not on any meds or getting any help? Neither am I and would love to get help but I'm scared and plus I don't want them to give me something strong that would just make me too numb. I'm dealing with it better since I got know what it is and that I'm not crazy and evil person. If you ever want to talk more I'm here.

    |
    0 kudos
  2. soapgirl 13 years ago

    Hi!   Welcome!   I'm fairly new to here, too.  I do relate to some of what you've mentioned.  In particular the good thoughts, bad thoughts thing.  I go through times when it's really bad and for no apparent reason a "bad" thought will pop into my head.  A thought about someone getting harmed, or some such thing, and I'll have to think of an opposite "good" thing , liek same same person getting a reward, or…… something positive to "undo" the bad thought.  When it's really bad I'll have to redo whatever physical actions I'm doing at the time I think, the bad thought, which can be anything, writing, housework, eating, computer time, walking etc, etc,  and think a "good" thought to undo the bad thought that……..  yeah.  To anyone else this would sound crazy. 

     

    I have the worries too.  In relationships {not many} that I've been in, I can tell I really like someone when I start to worry about them.  Much like you describe.  Yes.  I am too afraid to even type it.  *sigh*  It's exhausting.

     

    Anyways thought I'd tell you that you aren't alone, and it's always reassuring that someone else has something similar. 

     

    Thanks!

    |
    0 kudos
  3. OCDKara 13 years ago

    Welcome!!!

    |
    0 kudos
  4. Spikey_Melissa 13 years ago

    Hey , I have pretty much all of the problems you listed. How do you deal with it? I too am scared oof everything, contamination, sexual thoughts, death, and etc. How do you deal?

    |
    0 kudos

Leave a reply

© 2020 WebTribes Inc. | find your tribe

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account