Well, this is my first post. My OCD has been killing me lately so I thought I would go online and see if I could find some kind of forum to talk with other people who can relate to my situation and well… here I am!
I have had OCD for as long as I can remember although I was not officially diagnosed until last year. In fact, I did not suspect I had OCD until I saw a documentary on television in which one of the subjects had similar symptoms to mine. Previously, when I would hear the term OCD, I automatically pictured a perfectionist with a counting, touching or hand washing compulsion. Little did I know the actual extent and variation of the symptoms for OCD sufferers.
When I was a child, I remember playing games with myself. for example, I would say "If you count three New Jersey license plates in the next couple seconds I will have a good day" or "if I take 7 quick breaths, Mom won't die" Did I truly believe my mother would die or I wouldn't have a lucky day if I didn't do these things? No. But I was scared of the chance that those things might happen if I didn't.
When I would lie in bed (or any time where I wasn't distracted) terrible thoughts would enter my mind. Some in the form of images, some just anxious thoughts. I would start feeling inadequate and insecure. I would begin to review everything that happened to me that day and pick it apart. "What was good? What was bad? Why did I do/say that? Did I sound stupid? What do they think of me now?" I couldn't control these thoughts. They would enter on their own, but somehow I felt the urge to really think about these things over and over. I had to. I can't explain it, but I'm sure someone can relate.
Horrible images would also enter my mind. Bloody images of my family members being hurt or murdered or badly injurerd in car accidents, etc. It would scare me. I would think to myself "Why would I think these things if I didn't want them to happen?" I would feel like I was evil or sinister and it was only a matter of time before I would be that way. I would have sexually violent images as well. It made me feel sinful and like I was going to Hell. Which is something I also worried about at night. I'm not very religious, but for some reason I would think about what hell would be like and how my life is going to eventually end.
My thoughts would keep me up at night. I was afraid to close my eyes and relax because I knew the images would begin again. Like a movie or a record being played over and over in my mind without any control over it.
Throughout my day, when something bad would happen to me (and something bad could be as simple as not having a seat at lunch or the cute guy on the bus seeing me without makeup) I would say to myself "Oh great that that happened, now I wont be able to stop thinking about it".
I would feel IMMENSE guilt about everything I did. Even if there was no reason to feel guilty. In fact I would say 99.9% of the time I feel guilty I have no reason to feel that way.
I would struggle with my sexuality. Am I gay? Am I straight? But not like normal teenagers do. I would obsess about it constantly. If I saw a woman's breasts in the locker room I would look away for fear of becoming gay. And the fear didn't just end there. I was (am) scared of everything. If I saw a little girl or boy I would think I might become a pedophile. If my boyfriend left to get milk I would think he would be in a terrible accident.
Well there you have it. If you can relate to me… or even if you can't I wouldn't mind talking to you. I have a boyfriend of three years whom I've been living with for almost three years (he's the only one who knows about my OCD) and he is VERY supportive, but he can only do so much. I think people with OCD understand others with OCD, which is why I am here!