Realized this blog is missing annoyed as a mood. We really need annoyed. I'm telling you. The whole reason I am online writing now is that someone is annoying the crap out of me and I need a release.
So – lets talk about release –
What is my stress relief? One problem that I have is that I have no idea what my stress relief is. There is not one real person in my life that i talk to that I feel like I can honestly be me with. It's not multiple personalities per say – but it is different roles.
Property Manager Sarah – Who I am supposed to be now. I actually think at the moment, I am putting on a decent face for madaam file reviewer. This Sarah is a bit more of a hard-ass. She gets things done – gets the paperwork done.
Mommy Sarah – probably closest to the real me.
Friend Sarah – depends on who I am with and who I am talking to.
Sometimes I wonder if there is something in me that is maybe a little evil. I feel like I'm not genuine to others. But I can't find it in me to be that way. If you are faking everything you are feeling to play the role you think you are supposed to play – but then you lose the energy to play those roles anymore – then who are you? Are you someone that anyone wants to be around/with/care about? When you've played a role for people for so long – will you lose everything when you stop playing that role?
Why do I not do anything unless someone tells me to? Why can't I just know what the right thing to do is and do it? Honestly – I am starting to think it's because I don't think I am worth it. I can't do something just for me because if it's just for me – I don't deserve anything like that. I haven't earned it. What have I done in this world to make things better?
Why can't I stop drinking pop? Drinking pop gives me a (psychosomatic I'm sure) – boost that helps me get through things that are hard for me. BUT it makes me sick. So why do I still drink it?
Why don't I try to lose weight? I don't care. I honestly don't care what I look like as long as I have clothes that fit. I probably should care – would probably help me feel better about myself.
Why don't I stand up for myself once in a while? I don't like arguments. I just want the problem to go away and everyone to leave me alone. Standing up for yourself prolongs the argument – so what's the point? I just want things over and people to go away.
If you are reading this – I kind of feel sorry for you – it's a lot of rambles and probably doesn't make a lot of sense to anyone – but its working for me – at least a little anyway.