I don’t know how to describe the way I feel. For the past two and a half days I have had this uncontrollable anxiety that’s nearly immobilized me from doing anything other than sleep and go to school. I can barely concentrate when I’m there. My stomach churns and my heart feels like dead weight in my chest, beating frantically like a fish out of water. I also feel myself slipping into a depression again, another layer of madness to add to my troubles. Even with my medications and talking about it with friends I still feel worried and full of guilt. I’m starting to have thoughts I haven’t had in a while, and they scare me. I know I should see my doctors, but that probably won’t happen until another week or so. What will keep me sane until then? I feel so ashamed for how I am. I’m afraid of letting people see me like this, especially loved ones. And all of this started after a little partying at renfest, which included some drinking and smoking and other wacky activities. But I feel the more sincerely guilty about the former two. I guess a let a thought get out of hand and it was like a train wreckin my head. I feel I don’t deserve anything. I’m probably exaggerating things and being over-dramatic, but it’s something I can’t help. It could be that I’m on my (gross alert) period which makes every bad emotion amplify by about 1000. Every hour seems like a struggle to keep control. Slow, steady breaths seem about the only thing that works. At least for a little while. Perhaps I should start going to sleep early or something. I don’t know what to do. Behind the frazzled nerves and anxiety is the urge to break down and weep, to ask for forgiveness and penance. I’ve been told that this is something that I must do on my own, but I’m beginning to feel like no one can help me. I can barely help myself. All I can do is try to stay calm and wait for the storm to break.


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