It is 12:47 a.m here in the Vermont, i am at work and can not help but wish i be dead. I can not take having to go to work. I hate having to look at people, to look at the doors. I'm not even stuck here all day everday but i feel like i am. But this is not the only place, every job i have been at results in the same feelings. I honestly would rather just stay in my home and not have to deal with anyone or anything.

I was really down today, i was crying uncontrolably this evening. i just hated everything, The world hates me and i can see why. I am fighting to keep myself alive. But i really don't want to do it. Some days the consious me is fighting the rest of me to stay alive, to keep going. While other days, like today, she is giving up. My fiance came in to try and confort me, no avail. He asked me what was wrong, why i felt this way. told me he would be here throught it all. But i don't want to be here. He than asked me if i wanted to hug my son, my 15 month old son. In the before time, i would have done this in a heartbeat, even if it just cheered me up for 5 minutes, as time has went on, it has not worked the way it did. But my reply to him was no. I said NO to hugging my son. And as i realized this, i spiraled even further, what kind of mother doesn't want to hug her child? This one, the one that knows she is a horrible mother, i am so messed up in my own head, that when he was 6 or 7 months old, i would talk to him about everything i was feeling, all the things that were running through my head, he had to hear about it. Though everyone who spoke to me, my mother, councelor and fiance, said that this was fine. I tried to explain to them that when he could fully understand everything i was telling him, he would hate me just as much. And now i can't even hug him when i am feeling down? What is this monster that i have become? Where did the old me go? Why won't she come back? Is it something i did? I'm sorry.

I have no insurance, my job is probably not gonna last much longer if my mind keeps doing this to me. Tomorrow, i am going to try and find our Community Action group, and see if they can help me get evaluated again. My last psycologist, asked if iwanted to go on disability, i didn't think that i was going to get worse, i thought that i would just hate the jobs i had been at, i thougt when i got to the one i had always dreemed of i would be fine. I'm here now. and i would rather be dead. So maybe it is time to discuss what i can do, even if it is find a job that i can go on my good days. Or just find a way out completly.