Have you heard the saying the straw that broke the camel's back? Well my camel is broke! I simply cannot, will not, endure anymore! And God right now you can stuff your whole "He won't give you anymore than you can handle crap!" cause I'm not handling it!

I don't know how you expect one person to endure major depression, already suicidal coupled with DID, and PTSD, then have that same person blackout, and got through an assault, that was sexual? It is so bad that I still can't say the "R" word. Oh then to top it all off as if it isn't enough for one person to handle or enough for even one week, have the department of children services call you and tell you there is an allegation that your son, your 8 year old baby boy might be involved in child on child abuse, and what’s even better he might be the aggressor, Just after you found out 8 months ago that he was being molested by another child in his school in for 4 months. At least this time it involves girls.

Yeah I would like to officially say my camel is broken! My will is broken! My desire is broken! My everything is broken! I don't want to work on getting better! I don't want to continue fighting! I don't want to continue breathing! I don't know if I can continue to even think. The pain is so great I think I have shut down. All I want to do is drink!! I went and bought some yesterday. I haven't drunk in 20 yrs. I want to chase that with all the muscle relaxers and pain killers I have until my heart stops beating.

Part of me is afraid. Because I am thinking this maybe a phase? Can I bounce back from this one or is this truly the last one? Have I reached the point of no return? I am not going back into the hospital and I am going to start drinking and I am going to take my muscle relaxers, but maybe I will just fall asleep for a while until at least all the pain in my huhu stops hurting and my mind gets clearer.

Maybe it won’t be enough to do damage right. And hell this is a "celebration" weekend so it wouldn't really matter and no one will even notice I'm gone. Guess I just talked myself into it. Well its 5 o'clock somewhere as the saying goes. 

 

 

 

1 Comment
  1. thendara_moon 11 years ago

    I think about suicide all the time.  and have tried many times and have come very close a couple of times.  Please seek help and do go back to the hospital if you need to.

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