The mood I chose was "lonely", but that is a constant, a given. How can you feel just one thing—it is all wrapped together–loneliness, anger, sadness, fear, hopelessness, I found this website because I don’t know where else to turn. I go to a psychiatrist and a therapist for almost three years. I have been on meds for years and years—and yet I feel I am falling further and further. I can’t break my fall….. I can’t stop it. My therapist yawns and talks on the phone while I am there. She tells me not to get Saturday appointments after I tell her Fridays are the hardest, most awful day of the week for me. My psychiatrist is following up on changing my meds because i suspect I may be bipolar. But the meds I started in addition to my antidepressant/sleeping/ tranquilizing meds, are not helping so far. I feel worse than ever. Everybody seems to think I should be over my losses. I don’t want to lose my job, but everyday it gets harder to function. i should be healing from losses, but the pain is getting worse, not better. I keep a journal–my "hatred & anger journal"–but it doesn’t help much. I have no one, absolutely no one, in my life who gives a damn about me. I often joke that i could lay dead in my house and no one would know for the longest–my dog would probably have feasted on my remains before anybody even checked or anything. I have one sister. She lives 50 miles away she was all chummy until her husband came home from Afghanistan–now she doesn’t even answer the phone, or call back if I leave a message. I can go on and on—It’s too much anymore–No one understands this. Maybe somebody here does….

3 Comments
  1. weakerthanilook 11 years ago

    Hello Cynthia,

    I really really really think you ought to be looking for a new therapist.  Yawning and talking on the phone is horrible, she should be ashamed.  People can get frustrated watching someone trying to recover from something bad but that doesn”t mean you have to stop grieving for their benefit.  You should speak to you boss or your bosses boss about how you are having a hard time dealing with your losses.  There are laws to protect you if you go through the proper channels in the company.  Feel free to write to me if you need someone to rant to.   

    WTIL

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  2. MoestiferVita 11 years ago

    You”re definately not alone here. I care about you, and we”ve only exchanged a few messages. I”d love to chat with you on the phone when you”re down. I”d love to be your go-to friend. I”m just so friendly. Sometimes it”s my downfall, but it”s here for you. I”m here for you. xx

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  3. between_extremes 11 years ago

    I know what you mean about being lonely.  I have the same joke about my dog eating me before anyone finds me if I die, and I get ashamed when I think about how few people would be at my funeral.  I want to tell my family not to have a funeral/memorial service for that reason, but I know they”d freak out and think that I”m suicidal if I tried to communicate my "after death" wishes.

    You really do need to kick your therapist to the curb–her behavior is unacceptable.  There are so many great therapists out there, and you shouldn”t waste your time and money on someone so inconsiderate and uninvolved.  It is hard to process the anger, the pain, the fear, etc. on your own.  Having a good therapist is so important!

    Take care.

     

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