Some days I feel like the body I wear is a costume I did not order. It came with no instructions, no “Users manual” and at times it seems alien to me. The fit seems okay, a little tight some days, but once I stretch it out, or take a hot shower it seems comfortable enough. 🙂
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I see and feel these calloused and rough hands moving around me, touching my face or the inside of my arm, drifting down my neck or, as a tease, tweaking my “funny bone” to feel the twinge creep through my elbow… 🙂  Q – Why do these seem like someone else’s hands… they aren’t gentle like mine usually are.  Today I feel like I am wearing overly large gloves, clumsy, tentative, rough and numb.
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My skin’s sensitivity can be annoying: I do not usually remember to apply sunblock, so at times my “edges” do get sunburned and turn slightly pink. Eventually some parts get tan, but my color is uneven.  I could be embarrassed by the fact that I am  a “red neck” but I am not    🙂  I have plenty of shade if I remember to wear one of my wide brimmed hats.  🙁   But certain parts like my feet, always seem so pale in comparison to the rest of me that they almost glow.  I look like I am wearing socks, even when I am not, and this makes me want to laugh, ha, ha, aha, ha, ha. What a dork.   Certain crevices and other parts rarely see the sun.. and are unwelcome visitors.
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When I walk past the full length mirror I see this person out of the corner of my eye. One half of me is tempted to stop and twirl in place so I can see all of them.   : -)  Is that me?  That person looking at me gets closer and closer, until I can only see their face and their eyes… are those mine?  I am curious and wondering how I came to be “Me”?  Why is it that some parts of this body feel fake and accidental, temporary parts  I am waiting to shed….
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The other half of me wants to keep all of this skin covered and unseen, so I can pretend that some parts are not really here, turning in place I can see my unremarkable profile, I am skinny, lean and scrawny. For fun I wore a swim top with falsies for a while, but they kept falling out when I bent over at the waist…  Trust me on this one, when a fake breast falls into some really fresh manure, it is not going back into this top!   Yuck!  So for a while I looked lopsided… until  I take the other one out  too, but I keep wearing the top, I like how it feels. 
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Hmmmm, I could sew some in?   Lots of practice got me flexible enough to lay my hands flat on the floor with my legs unbent…  Q –  can you do this?  Maybe not in front of the mirror, I imagine that this could be an unpleasant view of me?  (tic) At least wearing my long hair loose looks good, and I enjoy having bare legs. 
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Since I have no real curves my backside barely exists, no cliff or overhang  just a crevice…. that seems to collect little itchy bits of hay.
On Wednesday last week I was completely alone on the farm (except for Bob) and feeling brave, so I spent a lot of that day completely starkers, wearing just a hat and my boots. I am less self conscious when I cannot see my reflection.  Some chores were more difficult, like mucking out the stalls, and forking hay down from the loft.. crumbs and dust ‘n stuff got stuck all over and in my boots, so a quick dunk in the horse trough was necessary.  I did not think that the top of my bum would get a sun burn, but it did, so I got a literal pain on top of my ass! ha, ha , aha, ha… it is fine to laugh at me, I do it all the time. (tic).
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My front in profile reveals that awkward bulge I hate so much… And one of my two new bras helps to cover the protruding bits that are growing, being sensitive and aching. But I welcome this change because at least one part of me is slowly growing to match who I feel I am on the inside.  🙂  Four months on T so it is still too early to see any results…. I am getting impatient!
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Thanks for listening to my rambling brain, I am trying to enjoy the ride. Sending out to all of you, one of my smiles, a hopeful hug, peace, hope and prayers. – Iris
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