It's so crazy how much people really can change..
Im amazed at how much I've changed since like 8th grade-even freshman year. I was such a goody two shoes, i never said one single bad word and i hated hearing them. I would stay away from people who would drink, i thought weed was the worst thing in the entire thing. I literally was so straight edge its crazy…
Now look at me 4 years later and im drinking 4 nights a week, not because i need it but because i go out to clubs a lot and i party like crazy, i've smoked weed more then i ever even wanted to be around it…
Its like looking back at the pain of my ex leaving me after 4 years, my mom being in and out of rehab 3 times the past year, finding out she was pregnant and thinking id have another little sibling only to find out she miscarried-twice. Realizing that its physically impossible for me to ever let someone in again. Realizing that moving 1000 miles away from the only family and friends ive ever known just to start a new life on my own probably wasn't the best idea. All i've ever done is run away but i never, ever thought i would lose myself the way i have.
Maybe, just maybe i'll find that same girl i used to be, not the one who was afraid of everything but the one who had a little more self respect, the one who cares too much about people regardless of their mistakes. The person i wanna be is still here. Realizing that i can still be who i want to be eases the pain.
We really do have control of our own happiness and we can be happier, we do deserve better, we will get there.
Hi Hidemypain20,
From the looks of it you've already started step one to making your life better, realizing something(s) isn't right.
We all grow up and many of us experience and try things we never thought we would do/try. Its a part of life. NO one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, its learning from them thats more important in my opinion.
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and know some or all of what you've been doing isn't feeling right. Don't beat yourself up over everything. You have a lot going on and sometimes stress causes to do things we wouldnt normally do. Perhaps slowly cut down on one thing at a time will help. Just a suggestion.
Hope you vent your thoughts again. I dont know you personally but I think the "same girl" you seek is here, she has just grown up a little. Knowledge is power and you seem to have the power, its just a matter of executing it.
Lonleylove~
PS – I went thru something similar years ago and in my experience, YES it was temporary. I "found" myself and although I drink and club once in a while its not an everyweek thing, but then again I'm a lot older and have a child now so my priorities have shifted. Enjoy life, just try to be responsible. Things in moderation in my opinion arent so bad.
Lonelylove~
Thank you so much! Your comments really really helped honestly and its good to be reassured that im not a bad person and i wont be lost forever. Thank you for the comfort 🙂 Its very much appreciated!