A lot has been happening since the last time I updated you on my transition and how my family is adapting to my newfound sense of self.  But first, a tiny recap. My parents haven’t been dealing with my transition very well, they were still calling me by my dead name and they were still hurt so weren’t sharing my joy in any of the steps I have accomplished so far. My father in law is living in Minnesota with other family after saying some very damning things to my wife (also trans) after acting at first like everything was okay.  So now that I have provided context, let’s jump on in!

My wife Phoebe recently had to fly out to Minnesota because her Dad is not doing very well. He has stage 4 cancer and they are talking about starting advanced care and getting him set up with hospice, so in light of him taking a turn for the worse her sister flew her out to visit with Dad and pretty much say goodbye. Trust, I was terrified of her flying during this pandemic and of her going to a hot spot state, thankfully she came home safe and so far so good. Our fingers are crossed and prayers are sent that she will remain healthy.

While she was in Minnesota her and her dad got to talk and he actually apologized for all that he said and did. He even called her Pheebs, granted it was only once, but that was a huge breakthrough. It really cleared the air both with her and me, because he called me Alex during a brief video call. We weren’t looking for his approval or even his understanding, but having that apology abated most of my anger toward him, which will hopefully let me grieve and help my kids to grieve when the time comes. I was mad at him for so much and to have that anger melt away was amazing. So I was happy and I thought at least my father in law can overcome his prejudices, maybe that gives my parents a chance, but I was doubtful.

When my name and gender marker change decree came through I called them and let them know how excited I was to finally be acknowledged as male and to legally be Alex. I also let them know that I knew they might not be able to express joy with me and that I was okay with that. Okay, is the wrong word, I was content to let it be in hopes that my not pushing would open their hearts and minds. I don’t know if it was my not pushing or how happy I have been. Or maybe it is as simple as knowing finally that this is not a phase or a midlife crisis, that in fact this is really me, getting my name changed cemented that in their minds, or at least I think that it did.

Last night they called out of the blue on video chat of all things. We talked about all sorts of things, they got to see both my kids and they said, “hi Phoebe,” actually to her. Them saying Phoebe wasn’t a new thing, they started calling her Phoebe when they found out about her Dad. But at that point I was still Barb, which hurt really bad even though I was trying to have understanding and compassion for their processing time. So it was awesome that when they went to say goodbye, my Dad said, “Bye Alex.” I was floored, my smile stretched so far I thought my face would break. I was just giddy and then my Mom, whom I was sure would dead name me on purpose for quite some time, said, “bye b-Alex”. Oh my goodness, she not only used my name but she corrected herself too, this is absolutely rare for my mother to ever correct herself, so it just made the moment that much better. I know they saw my joy in hearing them say my name and I didn’t want to cause it to be weird so I said thanks, but I didn’t expound on my feelings any further with them. Although for the rest of the night I couldn’t help myself from sharing that moment over and over with my housemates and my wife.

Up until now I have avoided calling my parents quite often because I didn’t want to hear them say something offensive whether intentional or not and I especially didn’t want to hear them call me by my dead name. I’m not sure that they would be ready to call me their son, but I am just happy to be in a much better place both spiritually and emotionally. Spiritually because my prayer truly did come true and emotionally because the hurt is starting to fade and the joy is taking residence in its place. More to come later, bye!