Today (9/22/10),
I realized that I may just be losing myself more and more every day. all i do is wake up irritated and if I’m not that i am angry or sad. i cannot stop crying all i do is cry, so is it just me?. i have known for a while that i was depressed but i feel like I’m bipolar all the time, i have my high days where i am on top of the world and no one can touch me and then the next I’m stuck in a deep whole with no ladder to climb out with. it has been that way for me over the last few years its just up to now i have hid it from my family friends and myself. i have never spoken openly about my feelings or the things that i have went thru before with anyone but i know its the only way i can recover so i have to tell the whole truth, i believe it first started when i was 16 i used to have my ups and down and when i was down i was really down i would cut myself just to inflict pain because it was the only way i can cope with my pain. i can be very hard on myself and very emotional as well after i confessed to my mom that i was cutting myself all she did was blame my father for it. i never got help for it after a while it just got better i guess, i wasn’t showing any signs and i stop cutting myself but whenever i had bad news or something came up i always resorted back to the thought of leaving this earth in order for my problems to go away. i have also noticed that i am very anxious at times and i tend to lose it when something is not in my control i panic and stress out to the point where i cannot take it anymore and wish i could just run away. I’m now 21 and after some close changes in my life my depression has come back(i don’t think it ever went away…) i cannot cope with change like everyone else i see that now, i am level headed don’t get me wrong but only when i am on a temporary high like right now my drug of choice (SUGAR). at one point in my life i was drinking 16 cups of soda a day from 7am to 11pm now i realize that is the way i coped with my day-to-day life. it has been 8 months that i stop drinking soda like i used to and now its hitting me harder and harder each day. i drink soda to make me feel better i hate it its like my fix when I’m down. i know i need help and i know this is wrong but i cannot stop something that has become a lifestyle for me over the last 6 years. it has become me consumed me and now all i want is to have my life back to be able to function without highs and lows i know it won’t be easy but that’s why i came to this site its my first day of treatment and i want to recover.
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I can relate to a lot of the things you say, and you are right, it is not easy to cut back on something when for you it's been the only comfort that you find eases the pain somewhat. I do it all the time , i eat crap, tons of crap! specially when i feel depressed or upset and it becomes a habit there have been periods of time when i was able to cut back on sugar and non healthy foods and i felt so much better, i surprised myself because when i stopped eating so much crap i didn't crave it as much. In a way i was punishing myself, i was tyring to kill myself eating things that are bad for me. But you know ? i had to come to a point when i had to make the decision of trying to fight and love myself a little bit. And until this day i struggle with many things and i have a very self destructive personality but i keep trying. The key is not to give up i guess. I have the hope that someday everything will come to me and suddenly i can deal with things that are bothering better. Keep trying and don't give up there will be days that will be bad there will be days that will be good but remember to be thankful for each day, why? well because you're still here and that makes you brave believe or not, it means that even though your life is not going how you want it to go you still have another day you have another chance to try it again…
Welcome to DT,
Hugs,
Crudelia
thank you guys your comments are really helpful its such a good feeling for me to be able to write something and put my true feelings with out judgement its just such a good change.