I realized that I may just be losing myself more and more every day. all i do is wake up irritated and if I’m not that i am angry or sad. i cannot stop crying all i do is cry, so is it just me?. i have known for a while that i was depressed but i feel like I’m bipolar all the time, i have my high days where i am on top of the world and no one can touch me and then the next I’m stuck in a deep whole with no ladder to climb out with. it has been that way for me over the last few years its just up to now i have hid it from my family friends and myself. i have never spoken openly about my feelings or the things that i have went thru before with anyone but i know its the only way i can recover so i have to tell the whole truth, i believe it first started when i was 16 i used to have my ups and down and when i was down i was really down i would cut myself just to inflict pain because it was the only way i can cope with my pain. i can be very hard on myself and very emotional as well after i confessed to my mom that i was cutting myself all she did was blame my father for it. i never got help for it after a while it just got better i guess, i wasn’t showing any signs and i stop cutting myself but whenever i had bad news or something came up i always resorted back to the thought of leaving this earth in order for my problems to go away. i have also noticed that i am very anxious at times and i tend to lose it when something is not in my control i panic and stress out to the point where i cannot take it anymore and wish i could just run away. I’m now 21 and after some close changes in my life my depression has come back(i don’t think it ever went away…) i cannot cope with change like everyone else i see that now, i am level headed don’t get me wrong but only when i am on a temporary high like right now my drug of choice (SUGAR). at one point in my life i was drinking 16 cups of soda a day from 7am to 11pm now i realize that is the way i coped with my day-to-day life. it has been 8 months that i stop drinking soda like i used to and now its hitting me harder and harder each day. i drink soda to make me feel better i hate it its like my fix when I’m down. i know i need help and i know this is wrong but i cannot stop something that has become a lifestyle for me over the last 6 years. it has become me consumed me and now all i want is to have my life back to be able to function without highs and lows i know it won’t be easy but that’s why i came to this site its my first day of treatment and i want to recover.