accidently deleted another blog just as i finished. Basically what i've been through today, which i wrote all about before but i can't be bothered to do again, has made me realsie that the girl-act i'm clinging on to for protection is preventing me from living me life, protecting myself and protecting others. I'd lost my identity from the beginning and hadn't even realised but now i feel surer than ever, although i feel nervous and stupid and like people would like me even less, 100% sure that i am in the wrong body. It would feel right to be a man physically and have wondered why i feel ridiculously insecure by my own body(to the point where it wastop of my list for wanting to die)and the thought of most men fancying me makes me feel physically violent and sick, although right now, being a maninstead wouldn't change my life in any way. People would see me as who i am which would be a massive relif but because i've been trying to be a girl all my life, i've ruined my natural identity/ character by all this fake-ness and don't even know how to interact with people. There are some positives, but positives i can't share with other people because they don't understand them. I'm connected with some sort of mysterious masculine version of a feminine side (which makes me feel like a girl in a way other girls dont have the ability to feel), which reminds me ofmy mam. It's the bond- feeling that i have with only extreemely close people, which i think is what makes me need them forever.

From tomorrow, I'm going to wake up and stop acting. (i don't actually know what i'm going to do but i'l blog about it if there is a difference)