On 11th February 2008 I got together with this Charming, Lovely lad called Daniel. Within a-few weeks I knew it was love, I had fallen head over heels, my first love. We were together for over 2 years, I was so drawn to him. The rose tinted spectacles lasted a while…
I always put up with him roughing me about and being pretty much a complete dick because I loved him and convinced myself that he would change, and even though he never said sorry, i also convinced myself that he was.
Around the time of my 19th birthday (26th March) we started arguing quite badly. He wouldn't even try looking for a job, he was always sponging money from me for cigarettes and beer even though I didn't really have it to 'lend' and just didn't even see anything wrong with it. My parents went away for 3 weeks and he stayed over for 2, He ran out on me after 2 weeks after an argument we had had about him spending the HOUSEKEEPING money my parents had left me for food and emergencies on cigarettes and beer…
I was at a friends getting comforted when I got a text saying basically ''I've gone'' and came home to an empty house where he had taken all his stuff, left the lights on and the door unlocked.
I was distraught! My next door neighbour heard me crying from his house and came round to comfort me.
Anyway after that I THOUGHT we had made up, we seemed brilliant again. He started saying once again how much he loved me and would never hurt or leave me (yeah, again? lol) but was it real?? For him no,… it was all an act.
Out of nowhere on 1st April (Yes, April Fools Day) at 2:00am in the morning, he randomly dumped me over facebook. Saying he thinks it's for the best. I was sweating and crying and shaking I thought I was just severly sad though, I didn't realise at first that I was having a breakdown…..
I went round to a friends and got 'comforted' but she was abit pre-occupied with her games console (She turned out to be a two-faced bitch in the end anyway).
About a month after that I was just a shell, numb to the core I still cried every single night as soon as the lights went off and cut my legs to ribbons, but I didn't feel a thing….
Except love and sympathy for my best friend, who had taken an overdose once before and very nearly died. We were incredibly close and still are to this day.
But about a month after as I was saying… He rang me saying he was sorry but he was taking an overdose again. I didn't know where he was or who he was with just that he was in York somewhere. I ran round to his mums in floods of tears and we held each other together while we were looking for him. I thought that I was going to be the last person he spoke to, I felt sure he would be dead.
I tried to keep positive, couldn't stop thinking about it but I browsed facebook for a while to try, and I noticed a post that I hadn't noticed before… a comment on Dan's (then new) girlfriends wall, posted 1st April at 02:15….. 15 minutes after he DUMPED me…… Saying ''It all sorted now bt looks like summin still up, will let you know babe xxxx'' WORD for WORD…. I then realised that he HAD dumped me for her…. Needless to say I was once again distraught, so much on my mind overpowering… Like I can hardly breathe…. it couldn't possibly get any harder??
A couple of days later there was still no sign of Sean, and with all this on my mind I hadn't even NOTICED until mum questioned me about it that I hadn't had my period for near on 2 months…. I lied and told her I had… then I started adding up and it just didn't…….. I was terrified.
I got a home pregnancy test,…. then waited for the result. I don't know how long it actually took, maybe a minute or two… but it was the longest 'minute' of my life…. I felt like I had been sat staring at it for about 2 hours…… then there it was…. the blue line……..
I was staring at it for yet another 2 minutes until I realised what it said….. then I just silently started crying…. I can't remember much after that I just remember feeling like I wasn't in control of anything,… I couldn't think, I couldn't blink, I don't even know if I was breathing,….. I went to the medicine cabinet and swallowed every last tablet…. I think I was crying, but i'm not really sure….. I don't remember crying or not I just remember doing it, I didn't even think about it, My mind had just popped……
I started feeling very tired, nauseous and dizzy after a fair few minutes but the nausea made me throw up repeatedly…. I tried to hold it in but I just threw up…. I still felt strange but nothing near like before…..
I went to sit infront of my mirror where my art supplies were, grabbed the sharp pair of scissors and held them to my wrist for what felt like about 2 minutes…. THAT was the moment I started to realise what was happening…. THEN I started REALLY crying, I couldn't do it. I couldn't stop thinking about my baby. So I just pulled away from my wrist and cut almost all my hair off….. RIGHT near the scalp….. then I DEFINATELY started breathing again. I was wheezing and crying and shaking I was just a complete mess.
I had calmed down though…. I just sat on my bed smoking one after another after another…. and I looked at the positive test….. and I just thought to myself ''I can do this, it's not just his baby, it's mine…. It's a horrible situation to be brought into the world but I want to keep and look after him/her like a real mummy''
Not long after that…… I started bleeding……
I broke down again…………. I knew it was all my fault… the tablets……. the stress….. everything….. I had killed my own baby.
Even to this day that still gets to me…. I blame myself and i'm crying now just typing about it, but you need to know all this before I tell you about now……
VERY few people know about that,… VERY few…… not even my parents… nor my sister…. and it took me a while to even tell my best friend Sean…….
I'm so ashamed of it please don't judge me I don't know how i'll be able to cope with hate mail I already know how shit I am without any of you reminding me so please please just don't.

Anyway….. now that's over with….
Dan and his new girlfriend Amy were together for about 5 months before she got pregnant…. She, like me, fell head over heels for him… poor girl.
He treated her exactly the same, except he knew about the baby and they were still together for a while. But they fell out recently and Amy has been talking to me about it,….
She's had the crisis team round and been to A&E more times than I can count, she is severely depressed and doesn't think she can cope…. and who am I to tell her she can?? I didn't……
But i'm so worried for her… she's much much further along than I was, she's due in June…. And she's called her Sophia…. but the baby just doesn't seem a good enough reason to live for her I don't think.
She knows what happened with me and my baby…. I told her in the hope of preventing her from doing the same….. but it was a mistake to tell her…. because not long after I told her they both decided to give it another go (only lasted about a week) but she told him……. he said I was lying apparently…. heartless wanker doesn't even give a shit, he actually thinks i'm sick enough to make something as horrible as that up… like one of those people that lie about cancer or something…. it really pissed me off. But I don't care anymore, I couldn't give a flying fuck what he thinks he's out of my life forever and i'm so pleased about it!
Anyway Amy's talking to me again now and I know he cheated on me with her…. I know he left me for her and I know that she knew he had a gf… but I know what she's going through and i'm too fucking nice for my own good and I can't help myself but jump infront of a bullet to save a complete fecking stranger!!!! Sounds good you think?? It's not… speaking selfishly for my sake it's one of the worst things I have ever done yet I can't stop doing it I care too much about other people and don't give two fucks if they care back or not. I'm sorry about all this swearing but i'm getting a little wound up… ha.. ha…. i'll try tone it down… I doubt anybody's reading this anyway, or has read this far that would really suprise me! ANYWAY,
I'm just really worried about her…. I know it sounds silly but;….. when I was there,…. nobody saved me…. there was nobody there to catch me when I fell and if I manage to help Amy, I feel in a way that it would be like helping my past self if that makes sense??
Loads of people think i'm stupid for talking to her and dredging it all up for myself again but I don't care, I NEED to help her…. she's just like I was,….

Wow…. that was a well needed rant if I do say so myself. I'll say again, please don't judge me or anything…. if anyone's read this….. i'm not even looking for a response really I just needed to get all that out before I burst haha. Don't worry I don't need any more help than i'm already getting.
I have a support worker, am awaiting a letter about a hypnotherapist (about something else) and have the most caring, supportive boyfriend now that I could ever ask for. I recently came off the anti-depressants so i'm yet to see how i'll get along without them, i'm starting to feel my emotions again though…. good and bad though I suppose I have to take them together..

Anyway, thanks and I also hope that I might have possibly helped somebody in a similar situation? Killing my baby, was an unconcious act, I wasn't in my right mind and I was having a breakdown, it's a poor excuse but it happened…. and it was the biggest mistake of my life…… I will never forget it or forgive myself. Don't make the same mistake…. please…. speak to somebody