I hate having to search for a job. If you’ve read my first forum posting, then you’ll recall the difficulty I’ve had in obtaining one. If not, here’s a brief recap: I tried to apply as a police officer, but I didn’t have enough references to be accepted. I couldn’t get a decent job in another field because I didn’t have the right education or experience, and I didn’t get any callbacks from most places I applied to. In fact, the one time I got a call from a place that showed interest, it was a disaster, and ever since then, I’ve shied away from looking any further. Actually, I worked up the courage to start looking again, but that hasn’t been working out either. I’ve seen a few jobs that I think I might be qualified for, but the problem is, I get anxious because of indecision & fear of something going wrong.

Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not lazy, nor am I averse to getting a job. Granted, I would rather spend time at home, but I understand that I must work hard if I’m to live life the way I want. Nevertheless, I don’t believe that searching for a job or applying/interviewing for one should come at a great cost to my mental health. Again, I acknowledge that my worries are most likely overblown and that I might be better off just holding my breath and getting it over with. On the other hand, it’s not really enough for me just to have a job; I’d like to have something that’s at least mildly interesting, too. Therefore, I couldn’t see myself working at a fast food place or in some godforsaken cubicle. But what, then?

Another thing that bothers me is when people ask about it. My best friend asks me about it pretty much every time we talk to each other. I hate this because it makes me feel so worthless knowing that I don’t have one. I hate this so much that I feel like I want to yell and swear at my friend for bringing this subject up. However, I really don’t want to do this because I’ve known him since middle school, he’s a cool guy and it would make me feel bad if I alienated him because of that. Sure, we haven’t seen each other as often since high school, but I like hanging out with him, and he’s the only real-life friend I’ve stayed connected with throughout the years.

I know that if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish anything, and I know I’ll get through all this. But how? Sometimes, I get the feeling that I just wasn’t meant to have a traditional job…