So my day goes about like this:
I relax all day, pretty chilled out. Sure, my ankle hurts, but that\'s what the pain meds are for, so I take them. I know that my money is low, but that we were working on getting money for books hopefully. At least I got care for my sprained ankle.
Then I found out my grades and I was ecstatic!! I got an A in both classes!!! This was the best semester that I\'ve had since I started college in \'05, the first time I got more than one A at the same time at the university, bringing my GPA to a 2.4. I was so excited, thrilled, etc. I come in to announce it and get a few "good jobs" before I\'m told to "lay off already". I go to tell my parents and they say "oh, that\'s good." and turn back to their movie. Excitement drops from greatest feeling in a while to "oh sizzle. something positive. I\'m not allowed to have good things." /end happy.
I join the family for dinner, like usual. First, my mom makes fun of the way I\'m walking on crutches. 1, I was trying to carry something and 2, I\'ve never been good with crutches. She proceeds to make me look like an idiot. I end up trying to carry my food and my soda and walk on the crutches at the same time. That doesn\'t go so well.
When I do finally get to a seat, I ask if my dad thinks I\'ll be able to get books next week. He tells me that he doesn\'t have the money. I asked, "well, what if I just got 2 of them?" and he yells that he just answered that question. Then he tells me to talk normal, which I thought I was doing…..I didn\'t understand that. Then he asks me about my credit card bill, and I tell him all the information I have. He proceeds to tell me that I\'m an idiot and I\'m not looking at the right information, and if I didn\'t tell him everything, then he\'d take over the account and dig for the information himself, then emphasizes how stupid and irresponsible I am.
Then my mom comes in and asks me to sign a sheet of paper. I ask her what it\'s about, and she says just sign it. I read it, and it basically says that I\'m releasing doctors and insurance to tell my parents literally EVERYTHING in my medical history, even though I\'m an adult. I asked them why they wanted all my medical history, and they pretty much told me if I didn\'t want to tell them something, then I could just pay my own insurance, they\'d happily drop me because I\'m such a financial burden for them, and they can\'t afford me anymore. Then they put more emphasis on exactly how much I cost, and how I\'m not worth it. Then more emphasis on how I\'m not working, and "not contributing at all", even though I have thousands out in loans so they wouldn\'t have to put their money into my tuition, I spent most of my credit card money on stuff like shampoo so they wouldn\'t have to buy it for me, I live at home and drive myself 60-80 mile round trips every day to save from having to put a roof over my head, I try to skip eating so they don\'t have to buy as much food, and I try to stay out of their hair, I don\'t ask for new things, I have broken parts on my car that haven\'t been fixed that could be dangerous but God forbid I actually try to get something like that fixed.
No, I don\'t try and I don\'t care what people do for me. I\'m a horrible child, an ingrate, a loser, a cheater, a waste of precious chemicals, a disaster waiting to happen, a homewrecker, a financial burden, a black hole that makes money and happiness and good things disappear. I hate myself, and rightfully so, because I deserve it. I don\'t deserve to smile, or to not worry about where my next meal will come from. I deserve pain and worry. I deserve to live out on the streets because I don\'t want my parents controlling every aspect of my life. I deserve to starve because I\'m fat and ugly and ungrateful anyway. I deserve to feel like nobody loves me because I don\'t do a bunch of stuff for other people, and can\'t even find myself a job. I deserve to be without a car, without a degree/education, because I haven\'t worked enough for it, apparently. I\'m selfish and rude, and I deserve everything that is happening to me, because I\'m as worthless as the piece of garbage they make me out to be.
My college isn\'t worth anything. My books aren\'t worth anything. Having a roof over my head isn\'t worth anything. Having food in my body isn\'t worth anything. My health isn\'t worth anything. My privacy may as well not exist. What privacy? My effort isn\'t worth anything because it\'s not returning the results they want. My feelings aren\'t worth anything because apparently all I\'m doing is destroying everyone\'s lives. My life isn\'t worth anything, so maybe that should just disappear too. Maybe then everyone would feel better. Hm? Yea, better off without me, that\'s what it sounds like. So now I\'m seeing images float through my head of how happy everyone would be if I were gone. Now I\'m thinking about what I can do to produce that happiness. I am trying not to think selfishly- I mean, I feel like it would really do a lot of good if I wasn\'t here- but almost anyone would look at it as selfish because I\'m not getting my way. That\'s not it. My issue is how much what I need is weighing on everyone else. I want to make that go away.
I want them to be happy. It drags me down to feel that all I\'m doing is making things worse for everyone, and they can\'t afford to have me around. Nobody wants me, nobody appreciates me, because there is nothing to love or appreciate, only a dark, heartless, worthless, lazy, idiotic, selfish shell of a girl that once thought she meant something, but realized, when faced with her end, that she never was worth a second of your time. I may have gotten 2 As in school this summer, but I receive an F on the assignment commonly known as "Life"