So, I finally got a response from M today.
He was online and we were doing the usual sending eachother funny things we found on the internet, then in the middle of nowhere he tells me he got my letter last Thursday, and told me he wants to talk to me about it and asks when I'll be home next. Well, if I could be home again it would be next Saturday and thats awhile away still, so I asked if we could talk on the phone. He said ok. We still chatted a bit, then he had to get back to work so he said he'd call me when he was on his way home.
He calls me about an hour ago, and he is his normal cheery self. I pretty much let him do all the talking. He tells me he got the letter and read it and he said he's not really suprised that I feel that way.
Then he says "I appreciate it but I'm really happy where I am right now."
His way of saying you stupid girl why do you still love me? I don't love you're ass anymore.
Ok maybe not quite, but thats how I feel…
He then tells me that he really still wants to be my friend, my best friend even, and he feels that he can tell me anything and wants things to stay that way. He says that he still wants to hang out with me when I come up to visit and won't be weird about anything. He knows that I care for him, and that maybe since I'm going through a rough patch maybe my emotions are a bit askew.
He changes the topic and we talk for awhile about how life has been, hows work and things like that. Then, when there really isn't anything I want to say he says he has to go. Again, he tells me that he's sorry for everything, but I'm his best friend and he doesn't want that to change. I don't say much since honestly I'm about to cry. I tell him that its good and I appreciate him telling me, then we say bye.
Honestly, its the response I was expecting but that doesn't mean that my heart isn't breaking into pieces at this very moment. I know in my head that he deserves better than me, and I'm glad that he's happy where he is now, but that still doesn't mean that I'm not hurt.
M will always hold a very special place in my heart, from now until the day that I die, and at least now I can live with him knowing that I feel that way.