Alright. I am a good person, I try to be nice and for some odd reason everyone just thinks it's okay to pick on me and say mean things to me and do rude things to me.
I get picked on relentlessly by people I have never talked to and get nasty looks from mean preppy girls and I think that if they got a peek into my life…just a peek…they would rethink their ways. Or not. That's how mean these people are.
Maybe I'm just sensitive, but I know I'm not dumb. I know there are going to be people that are mean for the rest of my life and they aren't going to see the wrong of the their ways and they won't know that they are a reason I'm complitating cutting myself right now.
I've never cut myself before but I know that if I do…it might…help? My friend use to cut and she said that it helped her…and she knew that having LOVE carved in her arm might be hard for her for the rest of her life but she was okay with it because it helped her.
I don't know how it helped her but she said it helped her…I've tried one thing so far and all it did was leave nasty red welts on my arm but…they'll fade. I know that if I make a streak across my arm it'll be there forever…and I can't find myself to care.
Because…in the long run…it won't matter. In the long run…I won't care that it happened or that I had done that. I won't care. I just won't. It's not my nature to look back on the past and think about all of the bad things but lately…just so much happened…it hurts.
My chest hurts, my legs hurt, I hurt. I'm aching and I don't know why. I feel…broken. My friends are pulling away from me and I'm afraid I'm going to be alone. I don't want to be alone. I use to but I don't anymore…I don't want to be alone…Not by myself. I don't want to sit in the back by myself or at lunch by myself.
I don't want to be alone and yet everyone just keeps leaving me…I don't like it. They leave me and they don't look back. I want them to look back, I want them to look at me and see how broken I am and that I need them and that if they leave I'll miss them and really just need them there. I can't tell them or show them though. I can't. I can't put that kind of responsibility on someone so young though.
I know that at school I seem distant and far away and not there but…I need my friends. I need them to help me but I need them to notice the signs and that I need their help. I can't go to them because… I don't even know why I just can't. I can't go to someone my age and put this on their backs, as their responsibility because…I don't even like having it on my shoulders.
I won't be able to have a life if I kill myself. No one would want to be with me anyways. But…I need someone there, someone dependable…Someone that I won't feel bad about tellling them about these emotions…because…if I told someone my age, about what goes through my head and the things I think about they would run away and I can't take the rejection.
I can't take someone else leaving me alone here. I can't. I can't be alone. I won't be able to handle it. I…need someone here but no one is here. No one is here for me and no one is helping me. No one is helping me get better with these emotions and I think…because I opened the door and let one emotion free, one that I don't let free often, it decided to unlock the door and let every other emotion out.
I can't control my anger, my sadness, none of them. I can't. I made my math teacher hate me and even though that's such a small thing it hurts to think about. It hurts me. I feel bad…I can't handle these emotions and it pains me to think I don't have control over this kind of stuff. I should be able to control this stuff but I can't. And that hurts me more.
I want everyone to see how much it hurts. I want them to know that I'm hurting and that I'm in pain. I want them to know…because if I hurt physically as much as I hurt inside I would be dead. I can't…handle these emotions. I'm just not old enough to know the answers and I'm not old enough to handle this feeling I'm having.
I don't know but I feel like everyone I loved for and cared for abandoed me…And really everyone is still here (except my uncle) they just aren't here. They aren't here for me to talk to for me to lean on. I feel like everyone around me is breakable…I need someone sturdy, someone strong…but no one is because we just keep getting more and more in our lives and….I can't.
I can't, anymore, no. I can't. I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone but these feelings are way too much for a 13 year old to have and it's just not fair. It's not. It's not fair for me to have to go through this on my own and I want help and no one is here for me and I need someone. But no one is here.
I keep looking for someone and when I think they're dependable they aren't. I can't handle this on my own but I am on my own and that thought alone scares me. I'm in pain, I'm scared, and I want help but no one can give it me.
I'm lost and the world has decided to turn it's back on me and I can't do this. I can't. I can't and I know I've said this before but…I just can't do this on my own and I can't handle it on my own. I really really really just need SOMEONE to help me. Anyone, anyone that can hold themselves up and juggle these feelings…they'd be a life saver.
I don't even think God is helping me anymore. I'm not a big relgious person but I don't think He is watching over me and I don't think He loves me. I don't think anyone loves me…No one does. I'm a mess up and I don't think anyone can convince me I'm anything other than a mess up.
I'm a mess up and I just want to restart…the problem is…there isn't a restart button and life has handed me two choices:
1) Take care of it.
2) End yourself.
Well…universe…I don't know if I can take care of it, but I do know I could easily end myself. And that's the cowards way out. And I think that, after what I've been through, I'm not a dang coward. I'm not. I'm a strong person and I can surely handle this on my own.
There's that phrase again…"on my own." Isn't it like an unwritten rule you don't have to go through things, anything, alone? Isn't it?
Well why won't anyone help me? Why won't anyone hand me the answer? Why won't anyone be here for me? Why can't I be the crying girl on the couch this time? Why am I still thinking about this, it's not like anyone would miss me, no one would. I would me very much unmissed, sure they would cry but alone, in the house, they wouldn't care.