The first time I have ever wrote on a blog. So many thoughts, I don't know where to begin. I feel so lost and helpless.

My best friend. Really my only friend in real life. I never thought the day would come where I would have to try and pull him out of his weakest moment. He has always been the strong one. He has always been the one that has been there for me. I always knew he had a hard life, but it was not till this weekend that I learned the true nature of the hell he has lived through. After reading through his journals, I have come to realize just how strong he really is.

The other day I had to call 911. They took him away. I have never seen him so vulnerable. I felt horrible for doing it, but he was at the edge. He had his end planned and letters written. It was the only way to stop where he was heading. Sadly, the hospital was not good for him. What surprised me even more was the next day, they told him he was free to leave when he wanted to. So much for getting help.

I brought him home and all he wanted to do was lay in bed. I tried to comfort him, and he pushed me away and said nobody will ever touch him again. He took his shirt off and showed me what they did to him. God, i thought they were suppose to help. It looked like they kicked the shit out of him. He is black and blue all over.

Last night he went out and sat at the edge of the pond. Sat there in the freezing rain. He finally came in at 5am. His clothes literally frozen to him. All I could do is watch from the window. Today, all he did was sit out there. Spent the day feeding the wildlife. I can't get him to talk really. He wants to be alone. So many years of depression and trauma and it is all sitting on his shoulders.

I have known him a long time. At first, I thought he was kinda creepy. First impressions though are rarely accurate. Truth is, he is the most amazing man I have ever met. He has a heart of gold. I have watched many people take advantage of that. It has taken it toll on him. He thinks there is something wrong with him. The only thing wrong with him though is what other people have done to him. I can not imagine how he has lived with the pain all these years. He thinks he is a failure, but he has not idea what he has done for the people who he has left in his live and helped.

He has a scar on his gut. He says it is a constant reminder of on of his biggest failures. Honestly, it should be a reminder of something wonderful he did that few people would have ever don't. he had a friend in a very abusive relationship. The guy did things that I would rather not write about. She was about to kill herself and my friend went to get her. He boyfriend pulled a knife out and was going to kill her and my friend jumped in and got stabbed instead. He did everything in his power to protect her. Afterwards, he gave her a home and helped her put her life back together. Never asked for anything in return. Last year she killed herself, and he feels he failed her. He doesn't realize he gave her 4 years of life. 4 years away from the abuse and horror.

Over the years, I can't say I have been the best of friend to him. I never really understood him. He has always had this wall between us, yet he has always been there for me when I needed him. He treats my son like his own child. He is a lot of the reason I got the courage up to leave my husband.

My husband is a piece of shit. My friend told me that when they first met. Described him to a tee. I didn't see it. Didn't see it till after we were married. All the sudden I wasn't allowed to have friends. If dinner wasn't on the table when he walked in the door, I was beat for it. I resented him, yet I loved him. Correction. I loved the man I thought he was. I didn't want him to touch me. He saw it as my duty to fuck him whenever he wanted it. Usually him slapping me around, 2 minutes of fucking, and then being told to change the sheets before he got back. He is a successful man. An associate partner at his firm. We had a party one night and his boss grabbed my ass and told me my husband could go far with a women like me. I told my husband, and tore me up when he said to got back and apologize and do whatever he wanted. I guess me fucking his boss and a chance at full partner was more important to him. I didn't and paid the price. His family considered my son a bastard and unworthy to carry the name because he wasn't true blood.

My friend was there for me. I never told him what was happening, but he knew. I feared he would step in though. He would take my son and treat him better then most fathers treat there own son's. This Christmas, things were bad at my house and I didn't want to expose my son to the shit his family says. When I asked my friend if he could take him for the holidays, he did everything to give my son the best Christmas ever. He doesn't have a lot of money, but he went out and bought some really nice gifts for him to open. He took him out tree shopping and bought decorations. He cooked up a huge dinner for the two of them. Brought me to tears not spending Christmas with my son and see all the things my friend did for him.

I love the guy. It breaks my heart to see him hurting like this now. I can't get through to him though. He only has one other friend in his life and he is so afraid of hurting her. She now knows what has happen and I don't think he will try again just because he knows what it will do to her. She is the only person he responds to. He is deeply in love with her and they have this amazing friendship. She is so much like him. She is an amazing women. I wish they had more. Deep down I hold out hope that someday they come together. I don't know though. She is hurting and I understand why. I am so worried for both of them. I don't know what to do.

  1. deidrexx 11 years ago

    Thank you for sharing this blog and I know it's your first one and you might not welcome comments, but I want to thank you for sharing this with others on the site. It helps me to read about other people something like me. I see things I can relate to such as being a good person but feeling punished and like a failure. I also was in an abusive relationship with a man who kept convincing me he was my best friend. Then I when I finally got away from the abusive guy, I met someone who I thought was special but was devastated when he decided I just wasn't good enough anymore and he'd rather have fun than someone to love. So much hurt to work through. Writing down words can help. I am a vetaran blogger, so I should know.

    So anyhow, although these are all painful, terrible things, people who have suffered always need to share to know they are not alone, which is why sharing a blog is such a good thing.

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  2. broken_katie 11 years ago

     Thanks for the kind words.

    You are right in that he has spent so long listening to other people. I have seen him drop everything because a friend needed him. He has sat up all night to lend an ear to a friend in need. I have seen him invest so much of himself into people to help them and when they no longer need him, they are gone. he blames himself for them leaving because he thinks something is wrong with him.

    I have read his journals. He honestly does not know who he is. I have read the graphic details of rape, physical abuse and mental abuse. I have seen the physical scars that have been inflicted on him. He has nightmares about it every night. He thinks he is a freak and a monster. He is the exact opposite of everything he has ever endured. He is the kindest, sweetest, guy I have ever met once you are able to get him to talk. He really does have a heart of gold. I can't get him to see that though. Every time someone hurts him, he builds another layer in the wall that stands between him and the rest of the world. Up to now, he has hid his depression very well. Very few people had any idea about what he has been going through. I had no idea how many times he has tried suicide in the past. 

    What I find odd is that he wrote "through all the shit and hell I have endured, I have no regrets. I would not change a thing. It is my past the defines me. It is my past that make me who I am. If is was not for my pain inflicted by others, I would have probably been just like them. It scares me to think how little people think of others. It is us, the discarded and used, that are the true beauty of humanity. People may look down on us as freaks, but it is us freaks that know what is important in life. Sadly, many of us will never actually find it."

    With that, on some level I do think he knows his self worth. IDK though.

    I feel so bad because I know what he wants and it slips through his fingers every time. 


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