I'm not even about to try understanding the universe. Doing so makes me a bit of a lunatic.

Since this is a safe space, I'll share a little more with you. 

For twenty-three years I have been searching my soul for answers. What's this, why is that, how come and so on. Sometimes I get lost in all my questions. Too often they lead me to overwhelming self-doubt that doesn't quite make sense. I don't understand that about myself, or why I chose to believe it on a daily basis.

I do finally believe I'm not going to hell. To say I struggled with the idea is an understatement. The fog of depression is a dark place to wander in and I, despite all of my best efforts to the contrary, ended my tones with malicious demeanor rather than quiet ascension. It's hard to see yourself as a monster and realize you never meant to be, nor are you at heart, so angrily broken.

I leaned on Christianity for a while, and it truly was a God-send in the last year. I take the ideas of Christ to heart but I do not carry the cross as my only belief. Such wild and broad ideas have distanced me from the church-goers I leaned on in my time of need. But we all search for meaning in our own way, and no one should feel that their disagreement is damnation. 

Religion isn't for everyone, but spirituality can save your life.

All these ideas are not thoroughly explained, so I apologize. My fingers tend to spit thoughts into cyberspace, hoping they find a home in someone else's troubles and lend a little support.

I hope with all of my heart that you (yes, you silly) are enjoying your life right now.

Remember that the climb to the summit is painful, but the view from the top is glorious beyond words. The slide back down can be quite a ride if you allow it to be.

Keep feeling. If you're sobbing, let it out. If you're laughing, do it loudly. Never be afraid to let your soul shine in grief or glee. You are just as human as I am and your emotions are as valid as everyone else's, not matter who tells you otherwise.

Keep going. 

1 Comment
  1. visualist 11 years ago

    Beautiful! Thank you for writing this. It say so well what I have felt.

    Thank you!

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