I feel so isolated, in my life and in my head. But yet, when I get that opportunity to get out of my isolation, I don’t take it. I have soo much fear.

 

Living on an island, without a car, I feel stuck. I can’t get out. I have no money to catch a plane to the mainland, and catching the boat is more expensive. Not to mention having to get everything organised with my probation officer. I just wish that I could fly. Just spread wings and be free to travel where ever I want. I’m trapped.

 

I guess I feel safe in my isolation. When I’m here, by myself, I can’t hurt anyone. It’s only me that I hurt, and I deserve my suffering.

 

When I was at in therapy yesterday, I mentioned my knee problem, and how the Dr’s said that if I dislocate my knee cap more than three times, there is a high likelihood that I’d need a reconstruction. I have dislocated it more times than I even care about counting, and I haven’t been back to the Dr about it. She suggested that I don’t go back to the Dr’s because I don’t feel I deserve to live a painless life. She very right. Why do I deserve to be happy or painless? It’s not like I’m a good person. I have made many mistakes, done many wrongs. Today my sister leant on my knee, and dislocated it. She freaked out, because she thought she had hurt me. It didn’t hurt at all. Just felt weird.

 

I’m a freak, and I know it.

 

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