First I will start out as I always do. To those of you who read this. I really don’t expect a reply, please don’t feel obligated. For me getting this out at all is good. I just can’t bring myself to talk to people about these things because I feel like the odd one out in here much as I do elsewhere. How many other graduate students are there suffering from both clinincal levels of anxiety and depression while studying stress related disorder at the neurological level? Not many I can guess. And none I have ever met. But then again there aren’t many people in my specific field.
At the university I attend, there are about 100 Graduate students new every year. 6 of those are in psychology. 4 of them in Neuroscience. 1 in Behavioural Neuroscience. Guess which category I fall into. Lately I feel that in life I’m kind of alone in my situation. I’m sure this is depression talking. But even when I come in here; my situation is rather unique. Now in my academic environment I have recently realized I am also quite alone. I am the only student in my program of study which means when I do attend classes with others, not only is it out of my relm of study, but I rarely know as much about the subject material as others in my courses. This doesn’t exactly help with feeling inferior. I already work at about one third the productivity of your average graduate student.
Then I come in here. And everyone says they want to be like me. Say i deal with things well andd am always happy. Many people have told me that they wish they could be like me. But I really don’t think anyone should be like me. I’m in the middle for everything. I can’t work as hard as others, but I can’t not work. I can’t do a good job when I make an effort but I still produce decent results.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Honestly at this moment I’m crying. But why? I mean this isn’t a depressing blog. As a matter of fact I was quite objective in my overview. I mean when anyone reads this; I doubt it will elicit any sympathy. "Oh there goes Rachel on a pity party; how dare she be sad when shes doing so much better than we are". I already know all this. I already know that I am functioning. I already know that I get up everymorning. I never go more than 30hrs without a shower. I never neglect my personal hygiene or anything which majorly depressed people do. I’m about as normal and plain as a person can get. So why do I feel so sad? Why can’t I be happy being just like everyone else when I AM just like everyone else?
I’m sure everyone has suffered worse than me. So why does it still bother me that I’m all alone in how I understand things? How am I alone but normal? I’m not makeing sense anymore. I’m well aware that when I actually start thinking I rarely make sense to anyone other than myself. I really want to just stop. Not die. I don’t want that. It’s a waste of my potential. Maybe just take a break from living. Only for a little bit.
I want to meet someone who is actually like me. Someone who actually thinks like I do. Someone who worries about all the strange and silly things that I do. But I never have. I’ve been to thousands of chat rooms for all types of conversation. Still no one like me. Am I really normal but not? Just why can’t I accept it and just be fine with it?
Why does my brain tell me these horrible things. I know me as a person isn’t like this. I’m not sad. I’m not tired. I’m happy and energetic. I love cute things and tasty treats. So why do I feel like theres this constant shadow hideing in me?
I suddenly realised this sound very emo. I am truly very sorry. I admit maybe I haven’t fully come out of my teenage years yet even with all my talk. I’ll try harder to care more about others and less of myself; that’s typicalyl the problems with teens right?