So, I know I haven't posted an entry since the day of my surgery, Sorry about that. But after the surgery I was in way to much pain, and was like that for a few days.
Because, When they made the little cut for the lapascopy, When they saw my gallbladder and it was way to inflamed and filled with bile, So they had to make the big cut (forgot what they called it..)
Not only that, But while he was in there he saw that part of my intestine had formed a scar tissue from all the erosion and damage it has, and it actually hooked onto my live, So he had to also remove that from my fucking liver.
Honestly, That day was just so stressful, Because of the pre-op, I'm used to that area but it's always more crazy for surgery, I had to wear these crazy legs things so that a blood-clot wouldn't form while I was under, and I felt really self-conscious because I wasn't able to wear anything under my gown,
No shorts, No underwear…NOTHING. So in my mind all these negative- yet normal for me- thoughts came into my mind, and my anxiety shot up, Since I didn't want people seeing my disgusting body while I was asleep.
I remember that once they put air mask on, and the medicine in my IV, they were making sure I was 'comfortable' and warm and all that shit (thought I like the cold) one nurse even stood by and held my hand as I started to drift off, and before I knew it I woke up in recovery in serious pain.
Anyway, Probably to most people having someone hold their hand or be by them before the fall asleep for surgery is comforting, Right? But not for me…It didn't do anything, I felt numb to it all, That surgery wasn't a big deal to get worked up over.
I'm just a freak though, and can't accept other's peoples emotions towards me, nor their fake and pitiful compliments towards me, I just don't feel it.
Does this make me some sick psycho? That I only respond towards my own inflicted pain, and feelings that are drowning me?
I don't know…But the other night I also had a fight with my mom, She was mad at dad and took it out on me, she said that it would be my fault when they finally divorce, among other things…
Then the next morning she apologized, said she was just 'stressed' , I numbly accepted her sorry excuse of an apology, Because I don't believe her anymore…I just don't. But i'll fake it, I do anyway.
Anyway, I also logged onto FB today, which I haven't been on in years….and checked up on some people I know, everyone is excited about summer (school for me ended june 7th) and what not.
I see pictures of Kim and Maddie hanging out with other friends. and other having a life, starting to drive cars (which I have my permit, But i've been in the hospital for two months, so obviously I haven't had much practice)
and my heart still hurts about Ali, I even wrote a song out of it….i'm stupid…
and it proves how far i've fallen out of this world, everyone else is so happy, being with friends planning a fun summer and what not, I'm here drowning in my own suffocating thoughts and problems, and illness, ED's and other disorders and cutting and…UGH
Always walking through crowds with my eyes plastered on the ground and my shoes, my body just shaking at the thoughts of what others are saying..
Anyway…I'm just falling apart I feel like, But back to the other news…after a very…very long two months of the hospital, I'm being released sometime tomorrow (Monday June 11th)
I'm anxious about that to…I've been in the hospital so long you know? As soon as I get home I just want to grab my puppies, hug them and hide in my room, I don't want to deal with the outside world once I get home…
Well, That's all for now. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes, I'll also post a new drawing if you want tomorrow…
Hope all is well with everyone else…see you later.