Hello to the void and whoever else is out there!

I am back once again.

 

Honestly, I am tired, frustrated, stressed, and still very much in the closet. But things are a little better lately. After I came out to my friend, who is also part of the LGBT+, we have spent more time together. The other day we just met up to eat cinnamon buns and talk about out situations as Queer individuals living in an absurdly anti-queer area.

It was so great. I may only have one friend who knows, but they are a truly great friend to have. Knowing that I’m not on my own makes things a little easier.

Also, after doing some research on the three tiny LGBT+ groups in the area, I actually tried to visit one. My university campus has a small office for the Queer community. So, during a break between classes, I stopped by. I will be fully honest, I was not expecting that opening the door to feel so terrifying. Not because I was scared of the support group, but because I am very afraid of what will happen if my coworkers, boss, parents, or extended family will do if they find out that I am extremely queer. I am fairly certain that I would loose my job. And I know that my family would be very upset. They might kick me out. I don’t know.

So, that’s why I am still hiding in the closet. Once I’m in a financially and emotionally safe state, I plan to come out. But right now it’s too dangerous.

I’m sure some of you are wondering why I’d be so foolhardy then to tell a friend and visit a LGBT+ support group if it could mean loosing my home and job. Well, it is pretty idiotic. But the thing is, if I keep in the closet for the next few years until I graduate and have a steadier income, I will loose my mind.

I finally have figured out a part of my identity that has been a confusing and sometimes frustrating aspect of my life. After struggling through years of self-loathing and depression, I started to accept myself. And by doing that, I was able to uncover my own sexual identity. I don’t want to slip back into those dark times. I want to be proud of who I am, student, artist,  friend, part of a family, queer, compassionate, and very imperfect. But that is okay. And I’m finally okay knowing that.

To keep this part of me locked up and hidden will go against the small improvements I have made over the recent years.

Thus, I suppose that I am partially coming out, in a way. I am very out here with all of you. And I am out to my friend, who I trust. For right now, that is just enough.

 

In a comical twist, the support group office was closed for the day. So I never got to check it all out. But I think I will be back soon, and maybe I won’t feel quite so afraid.

 

-Waffles

2 Comments
  1. sarahsmiles2020 1 month ago

    I know what it’s like to feel terrified about coming out…especially in a family that doesn’t approve and probably never will. I had a girlfriend in high school and her parents ended up calling my parents, long story short…it didn’t go well. Since then, my parents thought it was a phase when in reality, I’m bisexual and talk to those close to me about it rather than tell my family anything about it. To be honest, I’m not mad about it. It’s hard that my family won’t be accepting but I’m fine with them not knowing. I enjoyed reading your post, I hope your situation gets easier day by day and I hope that you feel more comfortable when you visit the group.

    |
    0 kudos
    • Author
      wisecrackingwaffles 1 month ago

      Hello, Friend!
      Thank you for your kind words. I hate to hear that you also have gone through a lot of frustrations with your family. But, it is a comfort to know that I’m not alone here. Hopefully, our situations will be better one day soon!

      -Waffles

      |
      0 kudos

Leave a reply

© 2020 WebTribes Inc. | find your tribe

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account