Hello to the void and whoever else is out there!
I am back once again.
Honestly, I am tired, frustrated, stressed, and still very much in the closet. But things are a little better lately. After I came out to my friend, who is also part of the LGBT+, we have spent more time together. The other day we just met up to eat cinnamon buns and talk about out situations as Queer individuals living in an absurdly anti-queer area.
It was so great. I may only have one friend who knows, but they are a truly great friend to have. Knowing that I’m not on my own makes things a little easier.
Also, after doing some research on the three tiny LGBT+ groups in the area, I actually tried to visit one. My university campus has a small office for the Queer community. So, during a break between classes, I stopped by. I will be fully honest, I was not expecting that opening the door to feel so terrifying. Not because I was scared of the support group, but because I am very afraid of what will happen if my coworkers, boss, parents, or extended family will do if they find out that I am extremely queer. I am fairly certain that I would loose my job. And I know that my family would be very upset. They might kick me out. I don’t know.
So, that’s why I am still hiding in the closet. Once I’m in a financially and emotionally safe state, I plan to come out. But right now it’s too dangerous.
I’m sure some of you are wondering why I’d be so foolhardy then to tell a friend and visit a LGBT+ support group if it could mean loosing my home and job. Well, it is pretty idiotic. But the thing is, if I keep in the closet for the next few years until I graduate and have a steadier income, I will loose my mind.
I finally have figured out a part of my identity that has been a confusing and sometimes frustrating aspect of my life. After struggling through years of self-loathing and depression, I started to accept myself. And by doing that, I was able to uncover my own sexual identity. I don’t want to slip back into those dark times. I want to be proud of who I am, student, artist, friend, part of a family, queer, compassionate, and very imperfect. But that is okay. And I’m finally okay knowing that.
To keep this part of me locked up and hidden will go against the small improvements I have made over the recent years.
Thus, I suppose that I am partially coming out, in a way. I am very out here with all of you. And I am out to my friend, who I trust. For right now, that is just enough.
In a comical twist, the support group office was closed for the day. So I never got to check it all out. But I think I will be back soon, and maybe I won’t feel quite so afraid.