Hello to whoever is out there! I’m back at it again.
I just realized that I could have titled my blogs “The Rainbow Breakfast Club” or Night-time Elevensies.” Ah well. I am rather terrible at naming things.
I am also terrible at telling whether or not a girl is interested in me. It’s always the classic situation of, “is she gay, or do I just really, REALLY hope that she is?” There’s those moments, when I can feel my heart pound and the nerves go into overdrive as I awkwardly smile back at an adorable girl who said good-morning to me. Usually, I remind myself that those women are just being friendly and I need to keep my cool and not act like an idiot.
And then, there are those times when I’m staring off into space, imagining actually talking to one of those girls, asking her out, getting to know each other, growing to love each other, getting married, building a life together… And then I remember that I have never even exchanged more than a greeting with her, and I’m still in the closet for most of the people I know.
The thing about those situations is that I know it’s my hopeless romantic ideas that are at play. I’m single. I’m trying to hide my sexuality. And, a charming woman is nice to me. Of course I’ll overreact in my head. So, I just keep it to myself.
But then there are the girls that make things much more complicated. These are the girls that are straight with boyfriends or the girls I’m friends with who might be queer, or might not. This is where I begin to question reality and fate.
Why are these straight girls so confusing? Well, some of them act much more intimate than I think the average acquaintance would normally. I once had a classmate at university tell me that I looked really nice. I blushed, stuttered and then tried to keep working on my assignment. Another time, two cheerful girls in one of my classes told me that I was cool and everyone just loved me. I will admit that I walked on a cloud for the rest of the day. Maybe they are just being nice? Most likely. But it certainly makes things a little challenging for me.
One of the more confusing times was when a friend/co-worker, who is straight and happily dating some guy I believe, put me in a very interesting situation. I was at my job and trying to help a customer and their family when she came over. At the moment, I was bent over a table, writing down some information. She said hello by leaning over my back, resting on top of me, and speaking right next to my ear. To keep things simple, it was a very intimate position that sent several confusing signals. I have never held in so many confused responses. I’d liked to tell her how that wasn’t a great thing to do at work, except that I’d have to explain why that was… and that could mean coming out. So, yeah, I couldn’t really do anything about it.
That was the most awkward situation until today. I was working on a project at university when one of my classmates and I started to have a light conversation. At one point I admitted that my dog had recently passed away. She clearly felt bad for me and said, “Aw, here, let me give you a hug.” Okay. That wasn’t inherently weird. Honestly, it was very sweet. But then it became so uncomfortable for me. She was so close. It was one of those snugly, warm hugs that last for a minute or two. Not the quick side hugs that most acquaintances share. I just stiffly patted her on the shoulder with one arm, afraid that I might make things uncomfortable. And just when I thought I had kept it together, she leaned over my head and gave one of those in the air kisses. In that one second, I had the strongest instinct to kiss her on the cheek. Instead, I set very still and tried to breath in a normal manner.
Obviously, I didn’t want to put her in a position that she didn’t feel comfortable or do anything that she hadn’t given consent for. And I don’t really know her that well. Also, she has a boyfriend. So, yeah. That was a whole bundle of weird and terrifying experiences all in one cuddly hug.
I’m trying to brush her actions off as just her personality. She is very outgoing and affectionate with everyone. So, I’m sure she just was being her compassionate and kind self. But that was quite the roller-coaster for me. Maybe, if I feel safe, I can try to explain to her that I felt a little uncomfortable in that situation, but I certainly don’t want her to feel bad for trying to be so kind.
I think the long story short is that I need to be careful about the situations I get into. And I need to find a better way to tell if there are girls who are as interested in me as I might be in them.
For now, I’ll just try to look on the bright side.