Heh, well I guess this has been on my mind since freshman year started. Let me explain first. Before I got to high school, I went to a catholic elementary school. Yep, all the uniforms and manners and whatnot, anti lgbt, etc. I was in 6th grade when I met her, it was in the halls, she was new and we started talking a bit. I found her quite pretty, her freckles and wavy long hair, her smile- but that’s what drove me here. Now, I will keep her name a secret (for privacy’s sake) and I’ll refer to her as A. A and I became best friends, she wasn’t catholic or religious, she was definitely very foul mouthed but I liked that about her. I had some other friends at that school and I introduced them to A, we all were a happy family, we had our ups and downs but hey we were kids. I found myself growing more and more attached to A, we were best buds, we’d hang out together and see movies or go to the mall. The friend group would go trick or treating with each other and talk about books and movies, it was fun. Throughout my middles school life I was having problems with my gender and sexuality, this is part of what made me depressed because I had no fucking clue what to do, my head was always stuck in books and sketches of cats or other things. I’d be highly distracted and feel a lack of energy. I saw that the two girls in my class who didn’t like me, let’s call them 7 and 8, were trying to alienate me from my friend group and A.

A was nice, we were so close that we’ve gotten to the point of cuddling and tickling, until I saw her true colors. She’d yell at me from time to time, try out her “new wrestling moves” on me and almost choking and/or suffocating me. She even did this at school. I never really told her that I loved her, we never really kissed, but the way she treated me hurt so badly. We were growing farther and farther apart, it left a hole in my chest and I didn’t know what to do. I said I was fine, I was happy, but on the inside I really didn’t know how I felt. Let’s fast forward to 8th grade graduation day, we’re all up there for our goodbyes and speeches and whatnot, we get our little papers and awards all that stress inducing stuff. I said my goodbyes for the summer, made some promises that were broken, and waited for the new school year.

Now, me and A kept in contact during this time, we emailed each other- note I did not have any social media besides gmail at the time since my parents were strict about internet safety- we’d hang out at the mall or see movies or go to the waterpark. It was fun until a few days into the break she stopped emailing me, I waited and waited for a response, I cried and laughed at myself, I kept on emailing her. Until one day I got a new email from her. It was a few days before break ended, the title of the email she sent me said, “Stop” I opened it and I read it, it was in all caps and had a buttload of exclamation points, I thought I’d cry but I sat there and just stared blankly at the screen. I really didn’t know what was going on, but it hurt and I didn’t know what to do or where to go or who to talk to.

Fast forward to now, I still hold onto what happened in the past between me and A, and yes it does still hurt but not as much. From time to time the hole would grow wider and deeper. One night I was in my room and reading a book, my mom walked in and talked to me about a secret facebook account I made to look for A, she talked to me about internet safety (And I am now monitored while using computers). She asked me about A, I was silent and tried to tell her but the words couldn’t come out, tears ran down my face and I curled up into a ball and my mom just held me in her arms. Its been a while since I’ve thought about A, but her memories came back to haunt me and now…I dont know