Heh, well I guess this has been on my mind since freshman year started. Let me explain first. Before I got to high school, I went to a catholic elementary school. Yep, all the uniforms and manners and whatnot, anti lgbt, etc. I was in 6th grade when I met her, it was in the halls, she was new and we started talking a bit. I found her quite pretty, her freckles and wavy long hair, her smile- but that’s what drove me here. Now, I will keep her name a secret (for privacy’s sake) and I’ll refer to her as A. A and I became best friends, she wasn’t catholic or religious, she was definitely very foul mouthed but I liked that about her. I had some other friends at that school and I introduced them to A, we all were a happy family, we had our ups and downs but hey we were kids. I found myself growing more and more attached to A, we were best buds, we’d hang out together and see movies or go to the mall. The friend group would go trick or treating with each other and talk about books and movies, it was fun. Throughout my middles school life I was having problems with my gender and sexuality, this is part of what made me depressed because I had no fucking clue what to do, my head was always stuck in books and sketches of cats or other things. I’d be highly distracted and feel a lack of energy. I saw that the two girls in my class who didn’t like me, let’s call them 7 and 8, were trying to alienate me from my friend group and A.

A was nice, we were so close that we’ve gotten to the point of cuddling and tickling, until I saw her true colors. She’d yell at me from time to time, try out her “new wrestling moves” on me and almost choking and/or suffocating me. She even did this at school. I never really told her that I loved her, we never really kissed, but the way she treated me hurt so badly. We were growing farther and farther apart, it left a hole in my chest and I didn’t know what to do. I said I was fine, I was happy, but on the inside I really didn’t know how I felt. Let’s fast forward to 8th grade graduation day, we’re all up there for our goodbyes and speeches and whatnot, we get our little papers and awards all that stress inducing stuff. I said my goodbyes for the summer, made some promises that were broken, and waited for the new school year.

Now, me and A kept in contact during this time, we emailed each other- note I did not have any social media besides gmail at the time since my parents were strict about internet safety- we’d hang out at the mall or see movies or go to the waterpark. It was fun until a few days into the break she stopped emailing me, I waited and waited for a response, I cried and laughed at myself, I kept on emailing her. Until one day I got a new email from her. It was a few days before break ended, the title of the email she sent me said, “Stop” I opened it and I read it, it was in all caps and had a buttload of exclamation points, I thought I’d cry but I sat there and just stared blankly at the screen. I really didn’t know what was going on, but it hurt and I didn’t know what to do or where to go or who to talk to.

Fast forward to now, I still hold onto what happened in the past between me and A, and yes it does still hurt but not as much. From time to time the hole would grow wider and deeper. One night I was in my room and reading a book, my mom walked in and talked to me about a secret facebook account I made to look for A, she talked to me about internet safety (And I am now monitored while using computers). She asked me about A, I was silent and tried to tell her but the words couldn’t come out, tears ran down my face and I curled up into a ball and my mom just held me in her arms. Its been a while since I’ve thought about A, but her memories came back to haunt me and now…I dont know

2 Comments
  1. jasonlee03 3 years ago

    I’m very sorry… I understand. You think you are happy but really you are trying so hard to be happy when you just arent and you are struggling with everything else among that and you just get lost in it and convince yourself that you are happy. I wish this didn’t happen to anyone especially people like you who seem so nice and great. But sadly people love to take advantage of others I mean I’m only 14 but I’m not like the rest of them. I had a person that was just like A I thought I loved her I convinced myself I did. Then she ended up moving and she just got tired of me because of my depression and my always worring about her and her well being. If you ever want to talk I’m here, I know it seems like I wouldn’t know anything about all this becasue I’m so young, but I know more than most. I still think of her, all of the time almost every day to be exact. I’m here if you need me just say something if you want ot talk<3

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  2. bridgie101 3 years ago

    I think it’s very easy when we’re young to not realise that other people are grappling with their own problems. my guess is your friend has grappled with some very hard stuff, for instance a dysfunction upbringing with a family that doesn’t behave normally. it’s very hard to describe the range and variation of things that some families think are entirely normal behaviour. Hitting in one family, shouting in another, swearing and pinching in another. Or being dead from the neck down, only talking about the weather… in some families invading your privacy would be a crime. So there’s no real ‘standard’ for normal, no benchmark, normal is created by the participants and what they fight for.

    And your friend comes across to me as being very screwed up. Extremely. this makes people exciting, it makes them interesting. Their brains go 100 miles an hour, it makes them entertaining. We can be addicted to the constant barrage of interactions, the rollercoaster of emotions, etc.

    But we can’t trust them.

    You can like someone you can’t trust. you can love someone you can’t trust. In the end though, being able to trust them is the actual thing.

    You’re grieving for the loss of a friend. My heart is right there with you. Maybe you’ll be able to tell mum one day. Her heart will be right there too.
    🙁

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