So…I actually tried going to school today…It didn\'t go well. And I had to be brought home early :

I had a major panic attack because I was late to one of my classes, So by the time I got there, and looked in through the door\'s window, I freaked out since already all the students were inside and what not, I couldn\'t even bring myself to try and walk into the class room.

Like the coward I am, I just ran to the nurses office and had a meltdown, So they had to call my mom to pick me up and take me home, And of course she let me know how hard it was for her to get someone to watch her class (she\'s a 2nd grade teacher) and to pick me up, And all that other shit,

which may I say- DIDN\'T help one bit.

SO, I\'m home now…Trying to calm down. I felt like such an idiot though…And I couldn\'t resist the urge to cut, and I did…On my thighs and stomach so no one can see them.

Today is Wednesday…So it also means I have to weigh in…I don\'t know why I do this to myself, But every wednesday I weigh myself just to make sure I haven\'t gained, Because I always feel like I do- I know it\'s part of my ED\'s, But it\'s not like a switch, I can\'t just stop something that\'s been going on for so long y\'know?

So…Today hasn\'t been going well…I honestly don\'t want to go back to school tomorrow, I don\'t want to walk down the halls and feel like so many eyes are following me…At school I\'m always the last one out of the class and the first one to the other class

(before the bell rings I\'m always trying to figure out in my head which is the best \'course\' to get to class, to get by with as little people as possible, which is the fastest as well…I just want to avoid everyone and thing and quietly slip into class, do my work, slip out and go home unnoticed.)

Also….Tomorrow (Thursday) I\'m being forced to go to this funeral, I say \'forced\' because, At my mom\'s school a few days ago there was a bad crash, and long-story-short and student who goes there (I think she\'s in kindergarten) her mother died in the crash,

So people (teachers, and the teacher-kid\'s,students,etc) are going to the funeral for the girl…My mom since she\'s a teacher is also going but wants me to go as well (and my annoying, \'perfect\' twin brother) I don\'t want to sound like a bitch, But I really don\'t want to…I can\'t handle being in crowds, And it\'s even worse when it\'s with people I DON\'T even know, I give the family my regards and prayers…I really do but..

I just don\'t think I can handle being in that situation with so many people, and so much going on. Just thinking about it makes me tremble and I start to get anxious and panic…I don\'t what to do though…

A/N- I hope you don\'t think to badly of me..