You know what sucks? Life – the inability to be content with what you have, and not wanting to be stuck in the rut of disconjointment. (yes a word I made up) If you don’t know what I mean by that, it means not being a part of any reality. Whether it is a part of what society calls real or what my head calls real I am just not part of any of it! I float through this existence having little moments of time, possible glimpses of time in which I might be a part of "real" life but I am not ever quite sure if it is real.
I want to think it is so I can have a genuine feeling and try to make a memory. But like today I wish I had a gun and could put it to my head and would pull the trigger! That would be more real than the reality of what I am, or who I am. This big, fat, fake, pile of manure, that isn't worth the spit on a dime. I cannot take it anymore!… the simple solution with no wrongs committed,,,
PLEASE DEAR LORD COME BACK SOON AND DELIVER US ALL FROM THIS HELL ON EARTH!!!!
The "reality" I will probably have to live here and suffer through this day after day or shut up, quit complaining, and stop talking about what I should do and just do it!
The other day I saw my doc for the last time for the summer and I had this thought and it struck me really hard and it frightened me a little and yet it felt like it was telling the truth… Every summer I go from about April till about September without seeing my med doc… But this time when I said goodbye I felt like it was a forever goodbye… like I would never be seeing him again… like I was foretelling on myself.
It's more than that… I am not only saying goodbye to him but I no longer will be seeing my therapist of 3 yrs as of May 4th for the summer and I won’t have a case worker either… all this change.. Getting rid of all the people who knew me, who knew of who I was.. Am I setting myself up for the great GOOD BYE??? Is it the FOREVER?? Should I be worried??
If you happen to read this, I do want your feedback. I am curious as to your take on my thoughts.
I don't know where I am going or where my mind is leading me. I know I am on a path that is headed towards destruction and death and I desperately want the ability to either end it literally or figuratively with either the solution of Death or of peace of mind, because the bow is broken and I am taking on more water than I can hold!