It's been a while since I wrote my last post and I am always so grateful when I see people comment on them, being helpful and nice to me. Thank you so much, it's being appreciated and you help me a lot. On this post, I am not keening for any help but if you want to comment on here, feel free to do it. I wanted to write an update on my life, maybe it's going to help me a little.
Right now, I just feel like everything is falling around me. I would start with something that is killing me the most- I am very jealous person. I just can't stand when I hear my friends talking about how they had fun without me or how someone was hanging out. It makes me sad even not be a part of the conversation for five minutes.
Before you are going to say that I am a very narcissist person, I tried to change it. I tried just to be happy about my friends hanging out with someone, I tried to get into conversationsabout something that I never got a chance to see, I would love to change it for good. But everytime they mention something I wasn't part of, I feel like trash. And I cannot help the feeling. I feel like I am not needed anymore, like I am not important. And I hate myself for being someone like this.
Next part is my family- my parents are fighting a lot. They were always fighting and I always felt sad about it but now, Ifeel miserable. I know that is a normal feeling. I told my mum that I can hear it and it's driving me mad. They weren't fighting for a while but then it was just the same story. It still is except my dad uses not so kind words on my mother. I love them both very much but it's making me feel depressed and I cannot wait until I am going to move out.
My anxiety- I still feel stressed about many things in my life and it's driving me insane. Like the points above. I started to have anxiety attacks again and I am worried that I will have them again at school. School is supposed to start next week and I still cannot get over the fear that I will have them at school where everyone can see it.
I started to feel very depressed two weeks ago but instead of getting better, it's getting worse and I am more and more thinking about ending it. Every day I just can't wait until I would fall asleep and I am miserable when I wake up. And I know that this pain is not worth it. I have family and friends and they are the reason that I don't want to do it. I know how much they would be hurt if I would end it on this world.
But honestly, nothing elsekeeps me on this world and I know I would end it if I don'thave them. I started to harm myself again. Because at least that helps me with my pain. I know I shouldn't but to be honest, I don't really care. I don't cut myself, just to make that clear. I hate this world and I mostly hate myself. For being here, for causing troubles… I know I am not worth it. Even my future is not important anymore because I know that it won't be happy anyway. But I am tired.
Like I said, you don't have to comment on this if you want to. I just needed to open about these feelings. You can see it didn't get better since last time. But thank you for reading this.