I need it to snow. I will wear my pajamas inside-out tonight and I will put a couple ice-cubes in the toilet before I go to bed and sleep with a spoon beneath my pillow. Or, better yet, a ladel. This is the kind of shit I did when I was a little girl. I hated school back then, almost as much as I hate it now. I loved snow days. Even if it made the school year a little longer, I loved them because it was an unexpected break from reality. Like a gift. The whole world gets coated in this clean, white fluff and everyone stays warm inside their homes. You don't have to go anywhere or do anything.
And it's not really like that anymore, but I need it to be more than ever. I have work now and my school is a univerisity. I have a job that asks, "hey, with the eight inches of snow we're expecting on whatever-day, will you still be able to make it in?" I have teachers emailing saying how disappointed they are with the set backs and talking about adjusting the schedule. And I'm just so thrilled, not having to leave my house. The snow days are still like a gift, giving me a break from having to deal with the rest of my life. Putting off the future.
This is my first semester at a real college. Before that, I went to community college part-time for six years. Because, again, putting off the future. Why not? I've never been able to picture it and I've certainly never been able to look forward to it. The more real it's become, the more petrified I feel. Like it's some big tree about to fall on my head and I can't move or run or do anything but watch it come down on me. There are pictures that scroll across the university's homepage, like of kids playing basketball or doing volunteer work. And everyone just looks so happy and confident. They're all involved and participating and excited about their futures. When I'm so terrified of dealing with mine.
I'm afraid, even, of being on campus. I have four classes on Tuesday's and Thursday's. My first three are from 8am until 12pm. Then my last class is from 5:45to 7:00pm. And I always go home duing this break. I can't imagine having to stay. Although I know that, at some point, I probably will because I'll need the library (which I still haven't been to, yet) or because I have a group project coming up. I'm terrified of the group project, especially, because I know I'll have to stay on campus for that. I try to tell myself that at least it's easier than an essay or something, but it's hard to look on the bright side of anything.
I'm really dreading my life right now. I'm really scared and uncertain about everything. I feel really incapable. I'm having these weird panic attacks, sometimes, when I'm driving my car and it's like I can almost grasp how tiny I am on our planet and how small our planet is in our universe. The first time it happened, I was driving up this big hill in an area I was unfamiliar with and it was like I was looking at a curve of the Earth from a distance. I felt totally adrift,like I was about to drive off of it or something. I just couldn't believe that I was set loose in this massive expanse of nothing and trying to get anywhere on it. It was a moment that makes me wonder how and why anyone ever leaves their house.
I don't want to leave my house. I want everyone inside of it and then I want it to snow for days.