dear j…,

i haven't come here in over a year but i'm back now because of you. the pain is so intense i can hear my heart tearing as it pounds on my ribcage. i have my finals tomorrow but i can't concentrate because i'm slowly losing my mind.

 i thought i was beautiful with you but i know now that i'm just an ugly, fat whore. i thought i could realise my potential with you but i know now i am and always will be just a bloody stupid fool. i thought we would share our lives together but i know now you only wanted to share bodies. i thought we were partners…but now i know i was your mistress…

why did you lie to me? why have you made me feel so cheap? there are so many questions i want to ask you but i can only share it here where you won't find it. were you thinking of her the whole time you were with me? did you only come to me because i was the easiest to get? did you once in these 4 yrs ever truly care about me? i don't know why this is important for me to know but maybe if i know them my soul won't feel so black and my body won't feel so dirty. 

you know what's the worst thing? i don't hate you…i don't hate her…i don't hate that you left me. i hate that im pathetic enough to still miss you. i hate that i still love you so much i could die. i hate that you can come back and and ask me to forgive you and i will in a heartbeat but i will punish myself my whole life. i hate that it's so easy for you and so damn hard for me.

 please please please stay away from me no matter how much i want to ask you to come back…you can't destroy me any faster than i'm destroying myself. if i die tomorrow the only bit of dignity i will have left is that i didn't once share this pain and insecurity with you. i hope it's enough to get me through this.

noones,

sam