dear j…,

i haven't come here in over a year but i'm back now because of you. the pain is so intense i can hear my heart tearing as it pounds on my ribcage. i have my finals tomorrow but i can't concentrate because i'm slowly losing my mind.

 i thought i was beautiful with you but i know now that i'm just an ugly, fat whore. i thought i could realise my potential with you but i know now i am and always will be just a bloody stupid fool. i thought we would share our lives together but i know now you only wanted to share bodies. i thought we were partners…but now i know i was your mistress…

why did you lie to me? why have you made me feel so cheap? there are so many questions i want to ask you but i can only share it here where you won't find it. were you thinking of her the whole time you were with me? did you only come to me because i was the easiest to get? did you once in these 4 yrs ever truly care about me? i don't know why this is important for me to know but maybe if i know them my soul won't feel so black and my body won't feel so dirty. 

you know what's the worst thing? i don't hate you…i don't hate her…i don't hate that you left me. i hate that im pathetic enough to still miss you. i hate that i still love you so much i could die. i hate that you can come back and and ask me to forgive you and i will in a heartbeat but i will punish myself my whole life. i hate that it's so easy for you and so damn hard for me.

 please please please stay away from me no matter how much i want to ask you to come back…you can't destroy me any faster than i'm destroying myself. if i die tomorrow the only bit of dignity i will have left is that i didn't once share this pain and insecurity with you. i hope it's enough to get me through this.

noones,

sam

2 Comments
  1. Silent_Sigh 12 years ago

     I think it's really good that you wrote this in a letter format to the one that has caused you so much hurt and pain inside. 

    It will get better, and one day you will look at him and realise that you were far too good for him. You are a beautiful person. 

    Silent x

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  2. sammy07 12 years ago

    Thank you so much…I get through every day because of people like you 🙂

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