“I want to believe in it all again…music and art…fate and love, and I want to believe that I’ve made the right choices, and I’m still on the right path, and there’s still time to fix some mistakes I’ve made….I guess I want hope” – Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill

If anyone knows One Tree Hill, they would know the whole love story of Lucas and Peyton. In the fifth season, 5 years after high school, Lucas and Peyton weren’t together anymore because Peyton had wanted to postpone getting married when Lucas proposed when they were 19. So back in the present at the point when Peyton says this quote, she is still in love with Lucas who is now engaged to another woman and she’s extremely hurt. 

Right now I feel like Peyton. I have by no means gone through the same heartache as her, but I feel that I’ve been burned so many times that I’m not sure if I believe in love stories. I want to though, I want to believe that I’ll find this great guy and that it’ll be incredibly romantic and things will work out perfectly. I know that things wont’ always be perfect, but I want to believe that I’ll meet this perfect person. Lately I’ve been meeting people, but I end up getting hurt or upset or I don’t even let them in at all.

This brings me to another character on One Tree Hill. Brooke Davis. In truth, I’m much more like Brooke Davis than Peyton Sawyer. Brookes is a strong, independent woman and I’ve been told I’m very much like that. I’m a female who is going through engineering right now, I’m stubborn, very independent and when I want something, I usually go for it. Brooke has also had her share of heartache. She was mixed up in a love triangle with Lucas and Peyton and Brooke was hurt twice by Lucas. The first time she was with Lucas, Peyton was actually in love with him, but she didn’t want emotions involved, so that’s when Lucas went for Brooke. Afterwards, Peyton realized that she did want Lucas, so Lucas ended up cheating on Brooke. Brooke was of course crushed, but by the third season Lucas realized that he wanted Brooke again, but she but she wanted to be with him non-exclusively so that she wouldn’t get hurt (which was revealed later on). She tried to keep it non-exclusive, but she wanted Luke and he was sweet and charming and she let him in again only to get hurt once more by finding out that Peyton and Lucas had kissed (only because Peyton thought she was going to die), but Lucas kept it a secret from her. Also he didn’t confide in her when he was having his own problems and she felt that they were growing apart and that he wasn’t letting her in. It wasn’t as bad as the first time, but break ups still suck. The quote that reminds me of how she was hurt is:

“I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there is no one else that you could ever be with and that you’d rather be alone than without me. I wanted the Lucas Scott From the beach that night telling me the world that he’s the one for me.” – Brooke Davis

Now in the sixth season, Brooke meets this guy Julian, whom she likes, but at first she only lets him in on the basis that it’s just for “fun”, meaning fooling around and what not. After a while, she falls for him and they decide to make it a bit more serious, but when he tells her that he loves her, she gets scared and wants to go back to things just being fun. Right now, that’s how I do things. I don’t seriously let guys in. It’s easier for me to flirt, play games and be physical with them than to get on an emotional level with guys who I could potentially have something with. You’re probably thinking why don’t I just get to know people as friends and then go from there. For me though, from the beginning I know whether a guy is a friend or could potentially be more. Once he’s a friend though, that’s it; he’ll never become more than that to me.

So I guess what this rant is about is that I wish I could believe in love to trust guys so I can let them in on a more personal level than what I’m currently doing right now. I think I have the right to be happy with a guy, but trusting one is hard when all you’ve been is open and all that’s happened is that you get shut down or hurt in the process. I usually learn from my lessons, so after being hurt once, I haven’t let guys past a certain level. I usually end things when it starts to get serious. Or it’s the opposite, so that I start things on a just fun level, but if I want more, those guys usually don’t want anything at all.

Lately I’ve been watching those sappy, cheesy chick flicks, which have gotten me down because I want guys like that, but I first need a guy to break down those walls that I put up, so they can let me trust them because I know that they care enough to fight for me, which comes back again to a One Tree Hill quote.

“Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep people away, but to see who cares enough to tear those walls down.” – Brooke Davis