it hurts so bad i can’t sleep and prob won’t for most of the night..I can literally feel it…in the center of my chest. I feel like my hearts been torn at and then allowed to heal and then torn at again hundreds of times…so many times that even when it’s healed phantom pain remains.

The weird thing is that things are supposedly "ok"ish. I’m now on speaking terms with my family. I’m on meds..At times things feel quite bearable, but the lows are awful. I feel like those I used to care about think I’m a bad person…noone has ever come so close as to imply that. What if they leave me? What if everyone has moved on when I go back to school in august? Its all very real. They don’t have to wait for me. They didn’t wait for me with housing.

When my friends told me they were replacing me in their housing plans for next year I was so hurt. Five minutes after I called one of them to tell them how hurt I was and to ask if they could reconsider. I haven’t talked to anyone in a lil over a week…I needed time to level off and let it all soak in. I’ve called them today..but noone answers..without them I have noone in the whole city.

But at the same time I don’t want to beg for them to accept me. They’ve hurt me so many times this past year, how can they be mad at me after I needed a week to cool off after the latest jibe?

A second stressor: I have nowhere to live next year if I do go back there. When my friends threw me out of the suite they were applying for all I could get was a single..but housing bids just came out a few days ago and I didn’t get anything…no on campus housing for me..There are very expensive places for me to rent…but they don’t have openings right now and when things will open up there is no guarentee for me. I hate to put my family through the expensive ordeal of renting me a $900 a month apt because I’m so unpopular. If there is an apt available they may have to rent it extra months to save it from getting snapped up, which means they’ll have to pay summer months even though I won’t be there till august. My parents are well off, but it hurts me so badly to think what I am costing them..All of this and it may not work, maybe I’ll get there, my friends won’t be there for me and I’ll sink back down into this.

I’m such a failure for leaving college, even though there was no way I could stay safe there. This isn’t what people do. All my friends are doing double and triple majors, while I’ll have to scrape to fit in a minor. Here I am at home on my ass, while everyone else is off learning more/developing more.

I don’t want to go through this again. If this ever happened again I’d rather just kill myself. I have times when I think about starting my dad’s two motorcyles in the garage, taking some tylenol pms and having a final smoke before laying down in the garage to pass out and die. I don’t know what I would do if i would be at college.


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