How long can you put your life on hold? What is your definition of life? Is hiding from the world really a life worth living? Those are the question I’ve tried to hide or pretend don’t exist and it has worked mostly for me over the corse of a decade. But like a coma I just woke up from I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve had sort of a eye opening experience. No thats a bad choice of words. It’s more like the things I’ve had push way down to a condense box has exploded opened. I can’t spend another 10 years being alive being life this. Like that coma metaphor, I have nothing to show for it except for being older and fatter. If you ask me what has change since the first time I tried to kill myself at 18 I would say I tried it again 5 more time. That it, people never believe that.
I don’t interact with people. I don’t have any friends and never had any actually. I’ve struggled with that ever since I could remember. It it a life without interaction with people? The one thing I wanted the most since a child was a friends. But it never came to be. I guess I’ve always struggled and wanting to be liked.
I’ve always hating when people say if you kill yourself you would be miss. By who actually since I don’t know anyone. My parents? (Complicated relationship with them, don’t want to get into it) My brother also different but that the only family I really have. I have other but not close plus its very much more complicated. Its not the typical family but being a Chinese American (Born here in Oregon) had many culture clashes with that and family. So its very confusing and not typical at all. But basically it my parents, and brother. Grandparents have all past away and was really not like what you see on TV again. So really who would miss me?