I have been on DT a long time. I come and I go. And when here it helps a lot to see my friends and get help for my everyday experiences with emotions.

I was thinking, that with each blog that I have read or commented to I can relate to each one. Every little thing from partners, to family, to not wanting to get out of bed, suicide, cutting, illnesses, and in general just tired.

It helps to write, and to; it makes me feel good to help others in some small way by writing back. But….there is always a "But". Doesn't take away those terriable feelings that I just can't seem to escape from. No matter what med, or what doctor, friends or hospital those emotions never go away. I could read every self help book, do all the things that are suppose to help me from excersise to meditation but I am still in the same place. And I wonder what the hell. Or better, "why me"?

I am so tired of the crying, of the lows and when I have the highs are they still high enough to make my heart happy. And how long does a high last?

Sometimes you can't change your living arrangments, or who you are around , or you can't just get rid of a genetic family. Yes I can get in a better frame of mind and say "ok I am going to change" , have a better additude, my way of thinking is going to be more positive. Have God in my life.

I could go for a walk or ride a bike, maybe work out in a club. Alone is an awful feeling. And why alone. Well you see people don't want to try to understand your depression , PTSD, or bi-polar. Easier to keep their distance. Then when your on deaths door start coming around wondering what happened how could I have helped. Naturally when it's to late. Easy excuse for them. No guilt involved.

Lets go back to positive thinking….I sit enjoy my views of snow peak mountains, listen to the birds , watch the rabbits play, enjoy the grand kids or lets say a hike on the beach or in the mountains. Peaceful yes. But does this crap ever go away. No matter how hard I have tried never seems to leave me, follows me like a bad penny. And to me I sound like a selfish individual. How many have it worst then me? A lot.

And what am I trying to say…..this is my life. And I really hate it. And how many years do I have left? Shit…..something has to change, really does.

OK , I'm through venting. ( And it didn't change a damn thing, I'm still bawling like a baby)