So here I am trying with all that I have to make it through these medication changes. I can barely think because I have become a complete space case. I can not concentrate. I can barely stay awake for a few hours at a time. This is so frustrating. I was so low before my doctor changed my meds, but now I am even lower. Is this worth it? Yeah I have been sleeping but I have been doing nothing but sleeping. That is all I have been doing. That is no quality of life. Nothing but sleep. Nothing at all. The depression is crushing me. I am drowning in it. All I can think about it ending it. Putting myself out of my misery. I keep having these weird body shocks. They have to be from the withdrawal from the meds that were stopped. I feel like I am losing it. I can't get out of bed…I can not seem to do anything. I am sick to my stomach. And I feel like I am going through this alone. I feel like such major changes all at once should have been handled in the hospital. Instead I am left to handle it on my own. I am struggling with the suicidal thought so bad that I want to hurt myself to just make it all go away. Its too much to handle on my own and I just want it to stop. I can not tell you how many times I sat there staring at my pill box know what damage it could do. Part of me is scared of those feelings and another part of me is super calm about it. Calculating. How much easier would it be if I just was no longer here. Hardly anyone would care. There are people who would care but life goes on…and it would go on just fine without me. I thought I had someone to talk to (sometimes one person that I trust is a lot easier than a chatroom full of people), but even they have been elusive. Thats the story of my life. I push people away and am left all alone. And that is the scariest way to be to me. Drowning far from shore no one around and left to live or die alone. I can not feel like this anymore and I am at a loss as to what to do. I hate this insideous, all consuming, relationship destroying, horrible disease. Please God just let me die…call me Home. I am so tired.