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So here I am trying with all that I have to make it through these medication changes. I can barely think because I have become a complete space case. I can not concentrate. I can barely stay awake for a few hours at a time. This is so frustrating. I was so low before my doctor changed my meds, but now I am even lower. Is this worth it? Yeah I have been sleeping but I have been doing nothing but sleeping. That is all I have been doing. That is no quality of life. Nothing but sleep. Nothing at all. The depression is crushing me. I am drowning in it. All I can think about it ending it. Putting myself out of my misery. I keep having these weird body shocks. They have to be from the withdrawal from the meds that were stopped. I feel like I am losing it. I can't get out of bed…I can not seem to do anything. I am sick to my stomach. And I feel like I am going through this alone. I feel like such major changes all at once should have been handled in the hospital. Instead I am left to handle it on my own. I am struggling with the suicidal thought so bad that I want to hurt myself to just make it all go away. Its too much to handle on my own and I just want it to stop. I can not tell you how many times I sat there staring at my pill box know what damage it could do. Part of me is scared of those feelings and another part of me is super calm about it. Calculating. How much easier would it be if I just was no longer here. Hardly anyone would care. There are people who would care but life goes on…and it would go on just fine without me. I thought I had someone to talk to (sometimes one person that I trust is a lot easier than a chatroom full of people), but even they have been elusive. Thats the story of my life. I push people away and am left all alone. And that is the scariest way to be to me. Drowning far from shore no one around and left to live or die alone. I can not feel like this anymore and I am at a loss as to what to do. I hate this insideous, all consuming, relationship destroying, horrible disease. Please God just let me die…call me Home. I am so tired.

2 Comments
  1. snowdreamer 10 years ago

    Sweetheart please believe me when I say I've been where you are at right now and it's horrible to say the least!  Give the meds a chance to kick in and do their job and if they don't tell the doc again and again until they do get it right.  I had to have mine changed so many times it was ridiculous but I finally got the right combination for me and it brought me out of that low, so low and now I'm like medium, never high but able to handle the lows.  Please hang in there honey and if you want to talk I'm always around here ok?  Always…

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  2. rservice 10 years ago

    Thendaramoon,

    I am new here so I don't really know what is up, but I think it would really hurt if you were not around.  I hurt, too, so I really value someone like you who knows how it feels. I would rather be able to share it with you, even if we don't have the answers.  In the middle of your pain you gave me something to relate to, so that I am not alone.  Please don't hurt yourself – let the world do that.  It has more practice and can do a better job (just kidding) 🙂  Seriously, I do hope something good will come your way soon. 

    Take care of yourself, you may be the best one who can,

    John

     

     

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