I know I might have many years to live still but I also know I could die at any time. It´s not predictable.

I was watching a show, don´t remember the name or the actor’s names so I am just going to name them myself. Three doctors, two younger ones Colin and Stan and one older doctor, Daniel, who just found out that his chemo didn´t work and had a few painfull last weeks left. He said he didn´t wanted to live those weeks in pain and that he would like his friends to help him die. He doesn´t have a wife, kids and most of his friends and family are already dead.So here comes the debate weither they should euthanise him or not. Colin say its murder and Stan say he has nothing else to live for, besides the fact that it is a painfull death so he prefers to help his friends and be with him when he dies.

Later that  day Stan who wants to help his dying friend went to his house to see if he was comfortable, he found him eating something. First he thought it was sugar so he made a joke that he is sure enjoying his last moments. Then the dying man said oh this is not sugar. This is a few drugs I had in my home, I made a coctail to help me die. Stan was shocked and surprised and I believe he wanted to call the ambulance. Then Daniel said: oh dont worry its not my first cocktail I had today. His friend realises it is better this way and decided to  help his friend to get confortable on his bed. The man had intense pains and was even crying at one point. It seems like the drugs did not help. Then at one point Colin came to see how it was going with Daniel. When he saw his friend dying he was hurt to because Daniel was suffering inmense pain. The two of them take care of their dying friend making sure he was as comfortable as they could get him. The shared of few stories of his life together too. Daniel told them to enjoy their life and not to wait to die alone like him, then they shared some funny stories. But then again suddenly the harsh reality of cancer stroke into their conversation. Daniel had to scream because of the pain he felt. Stan had enough. ‘Im going to take a walk’. So there he went to take his ‘walk’ while Colin stayed with Daniel. Colin kept asking him what he could do for him to help him. But they both knew there is nothing he could do.

Stan did make a walk. But he made a walk to the hospital to get some morfine for his friend. I think he had enough of watching his friend dying like that. He knew he could get in trouble since you are supposed to sign if you take dosis like that and it might be even murder to some people. But now he was decided to help his friend. So he sneaked in, stole it and went back to his friend he so much cared about.

When he got there, the man was still in pain. He told him he had something to help him and if he still wanted to do it. Daniel said go ahead and smilled. It seems this time Collin did not have any objections since he saw how Daniel was suffering. Stan did it……

‘Stan, my body is so heavy’ Daniel whisper a few minutes later to his friend Stan. Stan came close to him and told him that is okay, that he is dying. Then out of the sudden Daniel said ‘If this is dying then I dont want to die anymore, make it stop Stan!’.
Collin said he got another drug that would reverse it and that if Daniel really wants it he could give it to him. ‘Daniel are you sure this is what you want?’Stan asked his friend.
‘I dont want to die alone, it would be like I have never been here’ Daniel said this with sadness. Like the years he lived where in vain since his lonely and had no heritage left in his memory, so in his eyes it would be like he was never here, like he never lived.
Stan grap his friend in his arms, holding him tightly and continually kept repeating this phrase in his ears: You was here! You was here! You was here!You was here!……..The suddenly Daniel toke his lvst breath and his eyes were forever closed. Stan kept saying the same thing over and over. He was crying. I think he knew his friend was death but was shocked. Daniel was a reflection of him in 40 years so it was confronting. Colling came close crying to ‘Stan he is gone’ he said. Stan kept saying ‘You was here’. Then Collin repeated mor eloudly ‘ Stan..He is gone’. This time it seemed Stan snapped out of it and took a step back. Both friends gave each other a hug to mourn the lost of their friend.

It seems so sad and tragic to die alone. It’s like Daniel said ‘its like you never been here’ . I wonder if this is my faith too, to die alone. Then I wonder too if it is worthed. If this life is worthed. I dont know what to believe anymore. Why do we get born to live if we have to die. Whats the point??. I dont get this life. Why do some people have to suffer this much. If there is a God why does he/she let this be. I dont understand alot of things. I feel so lost. I feel like im slowly dying in a painfull lonely death like daniel. I wish I could find the answers to my many questions. I wish there was some magic to help me with my confusions, self descovery and help me find the right path.