Love has hurt me so much in my life. All i want is to have a healthy relationship, but I never can find one. Currently, I am in a relationship where i am being abused physically, emotionally, and verbally by the guy i call my boyfriend. I know i should leave him, and i have done that once, but he said he had changed so i went back with him. Sadly, he did the same shyt again, and this time he leaves bruises. He used to be so charming, so nice, so sweet….I regret ever introducing him to my foster mom because now she adores him, amd alwways asks me how he is doing, did i have fun with him at school, was he doing good in his grades….I just want to scream "I HATE HIM! ALL HE DOES IS MAKE ME FEEL WORTHLESS!" but then she would tell me that I was overreacting. I am so tired of being lied to, manipulated, heartbroken more each and every day, being stabbed and pierced through the heart, being told so many hurtful words… Why do i continue to put up with him? I have been in so many abusive relationships in my life, usually with men around the age of 20-28. I dont understand myself at times because I am PATHETIC. I continue to love him, even after he has treated me like shyt, after all the beatings, and even at lunch when he whispers for me to calm down and to stop being so hyper and to stop hugging my friends. I am not free. I am not worthy of aything anymore. I am nothing. I disgust own self. I am tired of this. I am done. I hate life. I hate myself and i want to die. I am so tired of this shyt. Please…spare me from the misery. I want my next suicide attempt to be my last. Death is waiting for me.
Believe it or not I really understand. It is so easy, it would be so easy to just check out, sick of the pretense bullshit. Yet your so young, remember that you deserve better and until you know that you will continually attract men like the fucking assehole. MOve forward, you sound wonderful, yes do you have shit that you have to figure out for yourself, well who doesn't but don't let him make you feel worse about yourself. He needs that in order to feel better about himself. Take care of yourself and know that people care………….really don't forget that your a strong woman don't let him take that away.:)
It can be a vicious cycle I think and if we don't notice it or acknowledge it it can continue, If we already have low self esteem and don't respect ourselves or think ourselves worthy of anything decent, which depression and mental illness so often bring with it, people who are manipulative seek that out and they know that we have shitty enough views of ourselves that we might think we would put up with it, or accept it as "we deserve it" or "don't deserve anything else". Which in turn just makes us feel worse about ourselves and the spiral keeps going. That is not to say it is our faults, but we do have a role to play in the cycle if we don't learn to break it or look for the signs. It is so very important to learn how to notice and recognize manipulative people.
You DO deserve better, all of us do. It is never as easy as just getting out, but eventually I believe it does come down to taking those steps of breaking free. You have to find the strength within yourself I do know that much. Support helps, maybe find some support that can help you find that strength within you to move on. Although I understand how it might feel that nobody understands, or is there or would even know how to help.
Don't believe the lies. Once you see the lies for what they are, and you stop believing them it is easier to detect them, and you can avoid them. Learn boundiaries, healhty ones. Learn to say no. These are things I am working on myself.
Please take care of yourself the best you can.