Good a great day today – thats what I want to think. And Im glad allready and feel power come into my mind this day. But the OCD wants to destroy it because of a happening, which wouldnt interest any people, who wasnt OCD – or I suppose, that they would not be interest in. The problem is now, that this little happening made it hard for me to enjoy all the good stuff from today and use the power of it, because my mind focusses again on again to these happening. Im not sure, if this what happened is really bad or ok… but I come to it again and again, even its not as worse as it was a few hours earlier this day. I even dont want to describe whats happend, because I fear to made this though even more terrorising to me – an effect, which I offen realised the last time… This day I really realise the intrusive part of OCD maybe the first time in such a clear form. I think this is, because the bad happening happened in good mood and with good experiences beside and not, like mostly, in situations, which are allready bad and going in bad directions. So its coming, that one single contaminated thing (is it really contaminated?) goes to destroy many power of good experiences. I think, I should try to flip this thought up to "all this cool stuff from today made it easy for me to get over this short little thing. I got power today and this single thing isnt able nor allowed to suck this positivity out of me." But its hard to do so… actually I try not to think about the bad thing, but its hard. ("DO NOT IMAGINE A PINK PONY – DAMN!") Also I dont know, if its the right way and I should instead let the intrusive thinking free and should otherwise to try to evaluate it as stupidity and wrong… but I dont think it is wrong, because Im unsure and tend to be see it as contaminated with germs and fecies… so I cant REALY devaluate the bad thought….

And I made again on again self reproaches. I should position this thing at an other place, so it wont be happened, what happened. I feel so stupid and feel anger to me, for beeing so stupid. I had the power to prevent it but was so stupid, that I dont do it and now Im confronted with the bad result. Im guilty.

2 Comments
  1. Paul_Atreides 7 years ago

    He Dulcinea,

     

    I have to think about it. The fears comes again several times and I dont thinkg, that it would go away , because I have to use the things in a few days again – so I have to confrontate me in some way if I want or not…

    Its hard for me, because I think often, that every option I have is wrong. I should talk about, to get it out of me and dont let it bring me down. Otherwise I think more and more, that talking about, made my fears stronger. At least thats happened, if Im talking with my girl. Maybe its different, when I tell it to you, because you can probably understand me better.

    But anyways: todoay I feel usefull and appreciated. I dont feel like that for long long time. And its a nice feal. Beside the episodes of fear I smiled this day as much as I probably do the last 3 months. And it feels so good. I hope, I will have more of these days.

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  2. Paul_Atreides 7 years ago

    I posted a new blog in which I became concrete about this day.

    Thanks for your comments here.

    I feel so destroyed right now.

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