I was told by my therapist to blog about my life. He feels that I have been through alot and I need to put it out into the world, that maybe others can relate to me or I can see that I am not alone and others understand. So here goes the first part…..

I am almost forty years old. From the day I was born things were dysfunctional. My mother and father were 26 years apart in age and already separated by the time I was conceived. My mother wasnt even supposed to be able to get pregnant but she did. I was told my father instantly accused my mother of being a whore and claimed I wasnt his. My mother went through hell with her pregnancy and lived in our basement for awhile to hide out from my father because he tried on more than one occasion to abort me by beating my mother. When I was born the story changed and I instantly became my fathers princess because I looked just like him. Just like that, I was suddenly his child. My mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer after I was born and started chemo so it was hard for her to care for me. I have two older half siblings and my sister who was 12 yrs older than me took over and helped while my mother was down and out. My father had moved out of the house but would come by all the time as if he still lived there. From the earliest memory I have, my mother always had Old Milwaukee beer sitting in front of her. By the time I was born she had changed…. she had given up and became hopeless, she was slowly giving in to alcohol to cure her sadness. I was just a child but I always knew my mom was sad or angry… there werent many moments I remember her being truly happy. My earliest memory was when I was four. It amazed my sister that I had a memory from that age but its probably because it was traumatic. We were at my families restaurant in Nunica Mi called Turks and there was a dinner or something. I was wearing a red dress with white ruffles at the bottom. Somehow a fight broke out and my dad was drunk. My sister brought me out to our station wagon and locked the door. My father came out to the car and was beating on the windows and the top of the car screaming at my sister like a madman because he wanted me for some reason. I was terrified, I was screaming. He looked like a possessed person beating on the car. The cops came and I watched my dad fight them off. It took 4-5 cops to get him to the ground. I guess he went to jail that night. God was I scared. I believe that night I realized danger was a real thing and that there were things we should be afraid of………….