I feel like my life has run away from me. Like everything that could have been good is long gone. I am done as a person. I am like a shadow that’s left after the body has already died, wandering around pointlessly. I have interests, but not in things that have any possibility of making me money. And all I want is enough money to exist without having to bother anyone. There is no point to anything. I am not saying I “feel like” there is no point to anything. There really is, literally, no purpose or goal except the ones we assert. But… there’s no point to that either. It’s like we’re in some blank space with no point or possibility of changing anything… like that white space in “The Matrix,” say… and I can pick a point, some arbitrary point out there somewhere, and go be over there. And then I’ll be over there. Maybe I won’t make it there. Or maybe I will. Then I will still be in the same place. Only closer to death.
This is not some irrational feeling. It’s the truth. It’s all arbitrary and pointless. Holding out for the possibility that I may one day be able to delude myself into thinking there’s a “point” doesn’t seem like a good choice. That is choosing to be deliberately irrational in the hope that it will make me “happy.” But happiness is just another delusion. I can’t “unknow” what I know now. I will just be a happy fool who knows he is a happy fool. I suppose I could get really good at deluding myself, and build buildings dedicated to it, and statues and the like. And bring other people in on the pointless game. But… deluding other people so we can all have a shared delusion seems pointless.
I suppose I could seek pleasure. And pleasure is something I like. And it brings me delusional happiness. And taking anti-depressants ACTUALLY TAKES A MAJOR SOURCE OF PLEASURE AWAY almost immediately (and permanently, potentially). And it replaces it with nothing. All the invitations for replacements are just invitations to share in other people’s common delusions. Exercise makes you “happy.” Find pleasure in your work. Work to help others, that will bring meaning. Nonsense. Everything we are doing is making everything much, much worse. To argue against this is to engage in building YET ANOTHER DELUSION for the purposes of making oneself feel good (pointlessly).
It doesn’t matter what my dosage is, or how I good I delude myself into thinking I feel, or how often I exercise, or how many mosquito-bitten, dehydrated, starving babies I help to save. There is no point to this.