I feel like my life has run away from me. Like everything that could have been good is long gone. I am done as a person. I am like a shadow that’s left after the body has already died, wandering around pointlessly. I have interests, but not in things that have any possibility of making me money. And all I want is enough money to exist without having to bother anyone. There is no point to anything. I am not saying I “feel like” there is no point to anything. There really is, literally, no purpose or goal except the ones we assert. But… there’s no point to that either. It’s like we’re in some blank space with no point or possibility of changing anything… like that white space in “The Matrix,” say… and I can pick a point, some arbitrary point out there somewhere, and go be over there. And then I’ll be over there. Maybe I won’t make it there. Or maybe I will. Then I will still be in the same place. Only closer to death.

This is not some irrational feeling. It’s the truth. It’s all arbitrary and pointless. Holding out for the possibility that I may one day be able to delude myself into thinking there’s a “point” doesn’t seem like a good choice. That is choosing to be deliberately irrational in the hope that it will make me “happy.” But happiness is just another delusion. I can’t “unknow” what I know now. I will just be a happy fool who knows he is a happy fool. I suppose I could get really good at deluding myself, and build buildings dedicated to it, and statues and the like. And bring other people in on the pointless game. But… deluding other people so we can all have a shared delusion seems pointless.

I suppose I could seek pleasure. And pleasure is something I like. And it brings me delusional happiness. And taking anti-depressants ACTUALLY TAKES A MAJOR SOURCE OF PLEASURE AWAY almost immediately (and permanently, potentially). And it replaces it with nothing. All the invitations for replacements are just invitations to share in other people’s common delusions. Exercise makes you “happy.” Find pleasure in your work. Work to help others, that will bring meaning. Nonsense. Everything we are doing is making everything much, much worse. To argue against this is to engage in building YET ANOTHER DELUSION for the purposes of making oneself feel good (pointlessly).

It doesn’t matter what my dosage is, or how I good I delude myself into thinking I feel, or how often I exercise, or how many mosquito-bitten, dehydrated, starving babies I help to save. There is no point to this.

6 Comments
  1. silentlyscreaming 4 years ago

    There really is no point but we all go on with our mediocre lives because what the alternative? DEATH at least alive certain things can bring you pleasure like watching tv, reading, food if not for these small things I would have disappeared long ago. But this is just my life and my perspective.

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    • sparklekitty 4 years ago

      I agree silentlyscreaming. I don’t even think it is necessary to judge one’s life to be mediocre to have this view. One could have an extraordinary life, and it makes the point even moreso. All pleasures are diminishing returns. This is not a symptom of depression, this is a fact of existence. If it weren’t we’d all be as awestruck at the moon as we were when we were toddlers. I can look at the moon and enjoy it, but in so doing, I also recall the incredible awe and power that the moon held over me when I was a kid. I can never get that back. And I am running out of novelties to get all excited about. In fact, when I do new things it is always in the back of my head that this new experience is just going to give me false hope, and ultimately, the pleasure is false as well.

      I am not saying that only suffering is real. It diminishes as well.

      I agree we have no choice but to continue seeking pleasure, despite knowing that the pleasures will decrease over time.

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  2. claireb1234 4 years ago

    Stick around and you will find pleasure in your endeavours. I know you probably don’t believe me, but you will. Do one thing a day that you somewhat enjoy, whether it be reading a book, watching tv, anything! have your go-to thing you do everyday that reminds you that happiness can be present in your life. True, we can’t undo the past but the future is unwritten and that delusional happiness may not be so delusional anymore. Please feel free to talk to me! (:

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    • claireb1234 4 years ago

      PS, if it means anything, I think you would be an excellent writer! Your post was beautifully written despite the circumstance.

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      • sparklekitty 4 years ago

        Thank you. There is no circumstance to speak of. This is how i have felt for a long time. When I stop taking anti-depressants, I start caring about things over which I have no power. When I take them, I don’t care about anything at all. I am not “happy” in either state. I am potentially more useful to someone else’s delusion-maintenance when I am on them, but that doesn’t do anything for me! I just feel like a tool for some other fool.

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    • sparklekitty 4 years ago

      I essentially agree, claireb, I DO find pleasure in various things. But the returns are always diminishing. Over the years I have engaged in all the positive thinking style interventions. But what I am getting at (or trying to) is not the interventions. It’s the underlying problem that is not being addressed. I feel that the interventions are based on an assumption that our society is good and people like me (and perhaps us) are the ones with “the problem.” I feel that our society is mostly good. But when we run into a problem with our society, our systems, our economics, our politics, etc… Psychiatry and Psychology effectively say, and rightly say, “Well, there’s nothing we can do about that, but we can change YOU. So YOU are the problem and something is wrong with YOU.”

      This is not rational, or necessary. It is possible to make that compromise, but I don’t think an entire profession should say I am wrong, flawed, broken, chemically “unbalanced,” just because THEY are powerless to make changes that they by and large agree with me about.

      And still… this does not address the core problem, the ones that religions and philosophies attempt to address and fail at, and have for millennia. And I don’t have an answer. The only answer is self-delusion. You name a pleasure, and I will prove it is a delusion. You name a purpose, same thing. The only way that pleasures and purposes can seem to be non-delusional is to delude oneself into thinking they are.

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