The loneliness is unbearable. Imagine if you were stranded on a deserted island for years. Imagine being alone in an igoloo at the north pole for years. With nobody to talk to and no assurances that you would be able to have contact with another human for the rest of yoru life. It has worn me down and drained me. The glimmers of hope like a cruise ship passing my deserted island…. where I can see and hear people laughing and talking…… wanting so badly to be there and not here anymore. Then the tidal wave of despair of watching as the ship continues off in the distance until it is totally gone. All the while hoping it saw me and I could be part of it's human interactions. I can feel why in tribal culture, banishment was the worst punishment. I can feel why in our prisons, solitary confinement is the worst punishment. At least I would be fed there and wouldn't have to worry about the bills. I wonder where how things will come to a conclusion, but I don't think about that too much… it is difficult to think about the future when the pain in the present is so great.

I can imagine my mom's little chihuaha (sp) will feel this way when my mom dies (she is 81). The little dog is never more than 8-10 feet from my mom and when mom is gone, she sits in the front room and stares out the window until mom returns. I have heard her cry on occasion. It's the only situation when she makes these sounds. It is like letting out an emotional ache. If you heard it, you would know she was lonely and longing for my mom to return. I truly believe she would die of loneliness if/when my mom passes….. leaves and never returns.

Am I dying of loneliness? It certainly feels like it.

Zhivago