I join this site and people start faking suicide with two others immediately promising to follow. While I don't think it was directly my fault, I should have never tried to help or understand anyone in their fragile, self-destructive states. My presence here hasn't helped anyone and truth be told I never expected it to help me, because if God truly, as I believe, wants me to go through with this as a message to my family or some kind of culmination of the divine plan, human intervention cannot prevail. Turning to religion is hopeless as well since I will just be more strongly inclined to obey the edict. I'm damned if I do and if I don't, so guess I am on my own with this as always. No one is able to understand my view on this because it's insane. I had hoped I would be able to work through it here, but my words will always be insufficient. I am not good enough even to help myself so there is no way I will be able to help others. There is no one in this world who can help me because I will refuse all help; this is the way God wants me to be, for a reason. Therefore, my presence here is like a cosmic joke with no available punchlines. Everyone assumes it is easy to live life as a joke, that I must have the right perspective and am probably always light hearted. After all, nothing matters to me, right? I've already given up on understanding. Well some jokes do matter. Some jokes shine a mirror to human nature or expose our weaknesses. Others are ones that people will never get without inside knowledge or the ability to look beyond the surface reasoning and appreciate the disparity of the logical disconnect. I don't think that this state of mind is a joke. Perhaps judicious use of humor might help inspire people to pull themselves out but it's not like you can make someone smile and they will stop being depressed. This isn't about a single rejection, specific failure, or even just a general feeling of malaise. This is an entire lifestyle painted black. They have to want it to stop hurting and have to want to stop seeking excuses and have to want to start actively engaging with the very world which spit them out in the first place. I don't want to get better (or at least don't want a forced, artificial solution) and I guess everyone would be better off if I just left. I keep thinking of the story of Job and just hope that is some stupid bet with Satan or even just a divine experiment in the free will that I have the ability to get through. I haven't always been this unlucky. Maybe next year will be better. Even though I don't believe in Numerology it seems that it still believes in me. It looks like I will just have to keep on waiting for my sign that it's OK to live. In the meantime, anyone who tries to help will continue to fall on misfortune and ruin because of my curse so I am leaving for the sake of anyone who still cares and might make the mistake of trying to help my unfixable situation. I know at least I would be better served by leaving of my own free will before I am asked to or forced, because I just can't manage another rejection right now. I hope I at least helped a couple of people gain some perspective on their interactions and that tomorrow is a better day for everyone else. Good-bye, leaving not committing. Have a great life =]

1 Comment
  1. OopsDoomed 9 years ago

    My only motivation is that I want my life to be over as quickly as possible for no conceivable purpose or logical reason. When I am single-mindedly pursuing impossible pursuits or stoically resisting the inevitable emotional response from one of life's tragedies, that is when I have found the most people reacting favorably towards me. It's almost as though my life must be plagued with consistent misery in order to continue functioning properly.

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