I have been having a problem with overthinking about things for quite some time… one topic inparticular. I am constantly worried that my fiance is bringing porn in the house and watching it. I know most people are fine with it or can turn their headds, but I cant. It is on my mind everyday, to the point that I am always checking his computer, I check all his disks that are unmarked and even some that are marked because I am afraid that he has marked them as something else just so I wont find out what they really are. At first it started out as just jealousy and trying to get all porn out of the house if I found it, now it is more about trying to catch my fiance lying to me. It is so bad I have thought about putting cameras up where he keeps his computers. I check the lotion bottles and if I find a hair in the cap I know he has been doing something and assume he was watching porn. I realize everyone pleases themselves, but my ocd wont leave me alone. It runs my life, everytime he ,leaves the house, I am all over the place trying to see if he has anything stashed. He knows I check his computer, and was fine with it, but didnt know how bad this was till abot 2 weeks ago. I told him I need help, and I dont know where to get it. We have tried to talk things out and I told him I have caught him lying in the past about watching, he finally admitted to me about that. Now we fight because I keep asking why he lied to begin with. It will start that I am just asking him questions for a little help in understanding in end up that I am attacking him demanding answers. I came to him because I know I need help before I lose him. Bu I feel if I keep going this route I may lose him anyway. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I dont. Maybe I should have never came to him about this. Today is a really bad day because he works on computers for a living and he has been out for 2 days working on peoples computers. What if he has downloaded porn from their computers. We dont have internet at home, I have to go to the library to get online. But he has gotten porn from his customers computers before. So what if he has done it again… and I was trying to fight the urge to look , but I failed. As soon as he left I was trying to look on his computer this morning. And the only thing I could think of wen I couldnt find anything is that he is a computer genius, so he can hide it if he really wants too. How do I stop this. I was abused in the past and that is why I hate the subject so much… before anyone goes telling me that maybe I should try watching it with him. I had it thrown in my face, been compared to it, you name it. Abused in every sense of the word. He is the only man I have ever found to treat me right, but now I am finding it hard to trust him because of all this.. how do I trust that he wont lie to me again about this? How do I stop the overthinking about it? How do ai stop wanting to check his computer every hour? God I need to stop!!!

3 Comments
  1. RockyRose 9 years ago

    Ouch… half the time with my OCD, thanks to the past- I feel the same way… damned if I do and damned if I don't…  I was that way with my friend sometime back…even when things were good… always checking her FB page…then when the trouble got worse and worse between us… another of her friends drives me crazy even now… (long story short… other friend Disrespected me Big Time)

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  2. rainingoctober 9 years ago

    If you give into that type of checking, you will drive yourself into lots of pain and you will lose enjoyment in anything you do.  You have to break that compulsion.

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  3. babykatt77 9 years ago

    Thank you for your replies…

    svullo– I know I have to learn to trust him, ad yes it is easier said than done. Sometimes my music and cleaning help me… sometimes not. But like I told him, yes, most of my trust issues are from my past, but he has lied to me too, so I feel I need to build back from that. Last night we had a long talk, no fighting, but a serious talk, and he opened up to me a little, so I feel a little better.

    rainingoctober— I know that the compulsive checking will only make me hurt more, but it is a weird thing, ocd. It is like, the more I hurt, the more I want to dig up and get rid of, and the more I find the more I hurt, and the more I want to get rid of… and so on. Yes it is enough to drive a person to drinkin… thank god I dont.. It will drive a person insane andn you litterally do lose enjoyment in everything you do… That is why I came to him and told him I needed the help. That is actually why I am on here. I know this isnt a professional place, but I figured if there are people out here like me I am not alone and maybe others would have advice and maybe I would have some for them.  Ya know…

    Rocky Rose– Ya, ike I asid before, the more I find, the more I hurt, then the more I want to get rid of. It turns into a vicious ocd cycle that needs to be broken, only I dont know how. At times you do feel like you are damned if you do and damned if you dont. I really felt that way when I came to my fiance and told him about this, because it started a lot of fights. I felt that maybe I should have just kept quiet and lived in misery the rest of my life… but that isnt fair to either of us. And I know all to wel that the past is one of the worst things to overcome, I wish I knew how.

     

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