I feel so lonely because I don't have anyone special in my life. I should be greatful that I have both my parents for yet another Christmas, but it's hard when they are fighting, well it's mostly Mom yelling because she's always pissed off about something, but its hard to relax with all her bitching… I try not to think about how lonely I am, but it's difficult since I know I will never have a boyfriend again. It's been years since I had anyone special and I'm still in love with that person. Speaking of "that person" (K)it was his Birthday on the 20th. I was terrified to text him because I am sure he saw that terrible description of myself that I wrote on FB. Either way, he told me I made his day by texting him a Happy Birthday. I was glad, but now I'm worried again. I'm still afraid he lost respect for me because of that shit I wrote on FB which was supposed to be a joke. I sure as hell didn't want him to see it but I am sure he did… And I am just lonely overall because not only do I not have a boyfriend, I really don't have any friends since J is out of my life there will be no one to spend New Years with… J was always around during the Holidays… this is what I get for not being a good friend to him! I get to be lonely and miserable.

I know K won't have time or remember to wish mea Merry Christmas. I was shocked enough that he remembered me on Thanksgiving. But I couldn't see him around then because of my weight and chopped hair. Now here it is, the end of the year, and all I got was to see him twice and that's it. I miss him bad and I still love him, but I don't know how much more I can take.

I haven't heard from C either and he usually texts me when he gets home from college for the Holidays. Maybe he's just busy. Either that or that last conversation we had on FB really freaked him out.

M is supposed to call me but I haven't heard from her yet…it's only day time Christmas Eve and already I am miserable..

I don't know how to get through this, I can't keep drinking every time I want to feel better.I don't want to feel sick all the time and after so much drinking, it really makes my depression MUCH worse… so I'm back to eating again. My parents and I went out last night and I got a pizza and pigged out. It's all I have. At least I'm not shopping anymore. In fact this is the first Christmas where I don't want any gifts at all. I guess that's what happens when you realize things don't make you happy. I'm so alone and so miserable, I have to act happy for at least 2 more days for Mom and Dad, eventhough Mom is a raging bitch and Dad drives me NUTS. I am just not into Christmas at all this year, lonlier and more hopeless than ever.