I feel terrible at the moment. I’ve barely gotten out of bed for the past week or so, maybe longer, I can’t remember. I’ve only gotten dressed and left the house to go get drunk in bars, which has resulted in huge arguments with my boyfriend, every time without fail. We always got on well and rarely argued, but recently it’s changed. Getting out of bed is close to impossible, I don’t know why. I tell him that I feel ill to avoid having to get up because I know he just thinks I’m lazy but it’s more than that. I just have no motivation to get up. My sleeping pattern is fucked because I sleep late in the day and am left lying awake at night.
In all the months I’ve been living with my boyfriend, I’ve not made any friends other than the ones he knows. There’s no-one I can talk to. I always thought that people who laid in bed for weeks because of depression were suffering in a way I couldn’t comprehend; that my own issues were mild by comparison. Well here I am, I’m one of those people now. I can’t talk to my parents or sister because they hate that I’ve ‘lost my way’ and am on anti-depressants. I don’t want to bother my friends from uni or back home, they’ve got their own stuff going on and they’re all so far away anyway.
Needless to say, I still haven’t got a job yet. I have been looking and applying but nothing’s happened. I did care but now I just feel numb about it. Every day I aim to go out and take a bus to the city or something but I can’t bring myself to leave the room. I won’t even go into the sitting room or kitchen if my boyfriend isn’t here with me, I can’t bear to have the possibility of being stuck with our other housemate on my own and having to make small-talk.
I know I’m kind of in a cycle, and that I have to break it in order to feel better. It’s just tough.