I have always felt that with all that I've been through that I am severely damaged…It seems almost impossible that I will get myself together…My reputation is mostly that people feel that I quit before I try…and that I'm still in the same position that I've always been…I am almost 30 years old and I still have no control over myself..In fact it has gotten worse…My depression and anxiety has gotten far more worse than its every been…It feels almost like brain damage…Like I'm slowly slipping into something permanently bad that is mental…I don't have a friend, family member, or neighbor that understands what I go through…Lately I use the term "mental fatigue" because thats what it feels like…This morning I could barely get out of bed…I could barely make myself something to eat…I could barely sit up  …Who am I supposed to explain this to..I have family members that feel that depression isn't real…What makes depression so bad is when people depend on you..then they start to feel that you're not dependable…I have always had people depend on me..and I would be so depressed that I felt like they were sucking me dry…If I get really sick, its not like I have anyone to care for me..I have an aunt that might cook something for me..but she is very sick…she depends on me more…I just don't know what to do anymore..What does a person have to do to let their doctor know that what they feel is severe…There are times that I feel like God put me on this earth to have a hard life…I don't see things like everyone else…there are things that are harder for me to get through than other people…My aunt wanted me to go to the store for her yesterday and I got so mad with rage at her because I don't know what kind of day I will have when I go outside..I could feel fine until I go outside and then my anxiety gets so bad that I feel like I'm going to blackout in the street….I feel that what I go through in some ways is more dangerous than somethings..Its like my mind shuts off when I'm supposed to move my body…Everyday isn't like this..I never know when its going to happen..One thing I did find out that could cause this somewhat is my medication…They said that Paxil can cause "Depersonalization" problems…I tested myself for like a few weeks…whatever day I took the Paxil was a day that I barely made it outside…but the thing is that a person can't take themselves off of Paxil for too long…I am only 28 and I'm on a medicine to get through the day and a medicine to put me to sleep at night…all this can be very overwhelming..I can't explain to someone older than I am why I can't sleep and they can…It kills me when people say "try to relax your mind..try not to think"…Over thinking and anxiety is not what I want..it just happens..I have always been a worrier…but not its more subconscious…I worry without realizing that I'm worried and it takes a toll on me….It comes out in my dreams..and in the way I feel…I will be honest with you..God is probably the only reason I haven't killed myself yet and fear of pain…If I didn't believe that suicide was a sin..I would of been dead after I got out of highschool in 1997…and also I don't like pain..so shooting myself or stabbing is out of the question..and I have enough health issues to add on to the list by hurting myself….Doctors always ask me "do yo feel like hurting yourself or others"..I don't want to hurt anybody..I just want the pain to go away…its been here too long…Its like fighting a demon or something….I always say that I am my own competition..and also that I am a very hard project…I am a mental rarity…lol…I started thinking that I was developing dementia or something..because there are times that I am at my boyfriend's house and I have to remind myself where I am over and over again until I leave…because it feels unreal…My doctor told me earlier this month not to go out because of my problems with crossing the street..I almost got hit by a car a few times because I would freeze in the middle of the street from fear or something else I don't know..its too much to be just fear to me…

 

Another problem I'm having is that my mood changes around the same time everyday…around 1pm…I get enraged..and angry…and severely pissed off..I start to feel like I need something to soothe my mood…certain people trigger me also…I might sound like a hypochrondriac..but sometimes I wonder if I'm bipolar..because my moods can be very bad…I was always a moody person..but not like this…I also had to give up caffeine because I found that it contributed to my moods as well…I feel like a lab rat… 

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