So, I most definitely have… this certain problem…
Does this mean that I'm in love with Dan? perhaps…
We're definitely very compatible. And I constantly fantasize about… the possibility… of happiness… with him…
Or is my ego just so unsatisfied that I'm so turned on by any decent-looking dude who's extremely attracted to me?
I think a major aspect here is that I'm truly gravitating toward the possibility… of simply just starting over… in a few different ways.
But of course – I know myself well enough to know that my general persona is like a deer in headlights… in many many aspects of my life.
And maybe what I really need is to start over in a huge way…. and find out for myself that it won't work…. and turn back around? I don't know.
But Ok… just imagine…. meeting Dan in person… completely taking off all my masks, bullshit, etc… and vice-versa.. What does that really mean?
Sometimes I have this extremely urgent need to… share myself… with other people… like, really get to know someone's whole being and share myself with them and connect with them… sexually… intimately… spiritually.
I believe it's true that there's an infinite amount of beauty to be experienced in the universe… and I feel like I have been denied of it… that I have denied myself of it. And I feel so fucking empty inside.
I'm an utterly empty being.
But going back to the possibility of meeting Dan in person… what happens when the honeymoon's over? I think a while ago he mentioned that his longest relationship was only like 2 years…. so I feel like his perception of relationships is different than mine… I'm severely jaded, to say the least.
Wow, I feel more alone right now than I've felt in a while.. I'm also extremely tired… but I don't really feel like taking a nap right now…. I'm just in a fucking miserable goddamn mood.