I have always been taught it’s not okay to be me. I’m too negatively different than my peer. I’vealways been toldI’vebeen too fat, too ugly, too *insert socially accepted negative*. And it started to bring the positive things down as negatives as well: too intelligent, too witty, too charismatic, etc etc. Nothing I do is ever good enough, especially not for myself, and that’s a part of me now. I’ve built calluses and fortresses in mental places where other’s find nourishment and joy.

I don’t want a common career. I don’t want to be tied down toanythingbut my own will, health, andwell being, but everything I try to do throws me closer to those common realities. I find that I purposely and subconsciously set myself up for failure when I realize where my life is going.

But the grass is always greener on the other side, right? Even if I lived my life ofspontaneityI would probably say I wanted to settle down with a career and family.

I’m likely running from something. I can’t think of anything else that I may be running from than myself, though. I’m the only constant thing in every place I’ve ever been. I’m the one there for every success or failure I make.

My family has always been very loving, albeit not too accepting of my beliefs and mindsets. I've always gotten everything I've ever wanted, and one might say that I'm lucky for that; but now as an adult I see myself still as a child.I've never been "allowed" or "forced" to grow up. So I need to basically give my own self a kick in the rear. The problem with that is when you're comfortable, you don't actively seek to rock the boat too much. Additionally, people who love you don't want to see you fail or stumble even if it would be good for you.

And as I sit here writing this, all I feel like I'm doing is complaining. I need direction and I need motivation and I need discipline. I have no idea how to even begin to find the will within myself to succeed at even the simplest of routines. If it's a "good week" I'll get through maybe a few days and then fall back to my usual habits.

I don't think I'm lazy… I think I'm afraid. Of what and why? I don't know? What's the worst that can really happen?

1 Comment
  1. brokenraven 8 years ago

     (hugs) I hope that things get better for you. (hugs)

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