I posted this on my myspace blog for my friends only but I thought some people here might be able to help me more…. or maybe they at least feel similarly about the getting help issues…. anyway, let me know if you have any ideas or if you feel I've touched on some points that you agree with….
I'm very much at a point where I can't really deny my need for help anymore though I'm not about to cough up money I don't have for a therapist to listen to my problems and tell me the same shit my friends tell me or, if they do tell me something different, it doesn't work for me anyway. Medication is probably my best bet but God knows I am very sensitive to drugs so I'm not really looking forward to that route. Plus, the next time I will be in the vicinity to talk to the doctor that is covered on my insurance and who has worked with me and knows which medications DON'T work will be in August, and I can't hold out that long. I feel like I'm losing grip. If it weren't for my cat laying on top of my arms yesterday just before I cut myself, I'd have fresh cuts and I can't stay at home today because I feel like if I'm here, where no one can see me, I'm just going to cut myself. So as soon as I'm done with this blog, I'm getting dressed, taking a book and walking to the library at school to read. Hopefully tonight there will be people to talk to so I won't have to worry about tonight either. The fact that I'm in this place where I can't trust myself not to fall back on old habits annoys me. I should be better by now, I should have figured out something to fix this by now…. whiich brings up the question, can I fix this or will I always be sick? Kinda ironic that I'm having anxiety about my anxiety….
Anyway, so in looking up possible "therapy" options, I found some great bullshit. A lot of therapy apparently assumes that there is a cause from childhood that makes people anxious. I'm sure that's true in some cases, maybe even most cases, but if it's true in mine, it would have to have been an event from being a toddler. I vividly remember a panic attack I had at about 3 years old (though I didn't know what it was until about 18 years later) and I really highly doubt I had some event that I could remember before then that would have caused it, so THAT route of therapy is complete horse shit and a waste of my time and money. Kudos to my last therapist at sticking to the present behaviors and trying to modify those but the methods I was given don't work for me. Deep breathing, thought-replacement and pressure points all sound good on paper, but they don't work for me.
Again, medication sounds like a pretty good alternative, but if anyone remembers me on Effexor and how sick I got with the sweating and vomiting and all that fun stuff, they probably understand my reluctance to try a bunch of medications. Benzo's sound good too, but they put me to sleep so yeah, I won't be anxious but I won't be doing anything either…. not really what I want.
Maybe I'm being difficult, maybe it's my anxiety talking and trying to reason my way out of getting help, but I can't help thinking that I know what's best for me, and these options aren't it. I can't help thinking there has got to be another option…. besides those stupid "Panic away" products (only $138 and you will never have panic attacks again…. at least not until the bill comes)….. I'm not some textbook anxiety case and a textbook, one-size-fits-all approach is not going to help. I'm also not some body made up of random chemicals and raising or lowering one will only change the anxiety and not any other portion of me….. I'm a complex human being whose life and chemical processes require something unique from every other unique individual…. We're not all the same, we can't be grouped into some watered down textbook finding…..
And it's not something religion can fix, believe me…. I am very much religious, and I have been my whole life, and none of that ever kept me from this anxiety, if anything, it gave me more to be anxious about. I don't believe God puts his hands in everything, if he does, then I have ample reason to believe he is against me…. I've looked to religion before to help me and found that it was inadequate and only provides temporary comfort. Religion is more of a guidance for me in helping others and making the world a better place… helping myself doesn't seem to fall in religious teachings too well, at least not from the God I know.
So… that seems like enough of a confessional rant… Off to get away from my house and into public where I can't hurt myself….. Please let me know if ANY of you know of an alternative help….